欧阳万成：好交易（2020）

我才1.65只能卖♥♥童装穿
5′ 5″ and I shop at Gap Kids?
别扯了
Get the fuck out of here.
我愿意花钱吃生长激素
I’ll pay extra for growth hormones.
给我指一下转基因食品专区
Get me to the GMO only section, you know?
美国的有机风潮
All this organic stuff in America
简直失控了 不光有有机食物
is getting out of control. It’s not just organic food.
还有有机床单 有机手皂
You got like organic bed sheets, organic hand soap.
不知道你们各自射门那么情况
I don’t know about you guys, but growing
成长在中国家庭 压根没有手皂这回事
up in my very Chinese family, hand soap wasn’t even a thing.
手皂就是我爸洗了两个月屁♥股♥
Hand soap used to be that piece of crap leftover soap
剩下的那块东西
that my dad’s been washing his balls with for two months.
他就把那个东西放在肥皂台子上
And he just puts it on the soap counter.
走过去 拿手指搓一搓 求个好运
You walk by, you rub your two fingers on it for good luck.
这就是手皂
That was– that was hand soap.
没人的病 好好的
Nobody got sick. It was fine.
偶尔摸着一根毛
Once in a while, you got a piece of pubes.
那又怎么了
So what?
忍♥忍♥就过去了
You deal with it.
现在手皂高级得 在杂货店都有了
Now hand soap is so fancy, it’s got its own aisle
自己的柜台
at the grocery stores.
因为手皂的目的已经不仅仅是用来洗手了
Because it’s not about washing your hands anymore.
还是你个人地位的象征
It’s a status symbol.
去朋友家我们都是通过
We go to our friends’ house and judge how well they’re doing
他们用的手皂来判断他们的生活情况
but what kind of hand soap you got.
我们都干过 去到朋友家里
We’ve all done this. You go to your friend’s house,
肥皂上面写着爵士香皂
he’s got that green bar soap that says Zest on it.
这个人一看就是穷鬼
That guy’s a fucking peasant.
不能和这种白丁打交道
Don’t associate yourself with that kind of animal.
这种人会问你借钱的 懂我意思吧
He’s gonna ask you for money, you know what I mean?
然后往上升一级 是两美元一瓶的洗手液
And then next level up, you got like the $2 bottle of Softsoap
上面还有鱼和西瓜的标志
with the fish or the watermelon on it, you know?
我喜欢这种家庭 美国的计量
I like that family. That’s the backbone of America.
肥皂中的本♥田♥思域
It’s the middle class Honda Civics of soaps.
吃苦耐劳的美国家庭 受人尊敬
Hardworking, American family, man, I appreciate that.
再下一级 肥皂高级到
And then next level up, you got a soap that’s so fancy
压根都不往外挤洗手液了
it doesn’t even dispense soap.
挤出来的是泡沫
It dispenses foam, which is just soap
就是打发了的肥皂每平瓶就要加价6美元
filled with air for an extra $6 a fucking bottle.
因为在美国
Because as an American society, we
我们已经高级到不屑于用自己的双手
decided we’re way too good to rub our own two hands together
打沫子 宁愿外包给
to create our own foam, and rather outsource that foaming
中国广州的穷孩子去
action to some poor Chinese kid in Gwangju, China
提前打好
to pre-foam it for us.
让美国再度泡沫
Make America foam again, people, OK.
谢谢
Thank you.
我妈最后屈服了
My mom eventually caved in and she
买♥♥了瓶两美元的洗手液
bought the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish on it.
但是她还是 老♥习♥惯难改 拿水兑着
But she’s so Chinese, she’s been watering
用了六年
it down for six years now.
现在瓶子上的西瓜都洗没了
And now it’s just a bottle water with a fish on it.
什么也洗不了
It doesn’t do shit.
但是这么做划算
Because it’s a good deal.
我虽然经常取笑我的朋友 但是归根结底
I know I make fun of my parents, but at the end of they day,
我是爱他们的 我们都一样
I love them very much. I think we all do, right?
但是 亚洲人 我们不会 互相说我爱你
But Asian people, we don’t ever say I love you to each other.
这不是我们的传统
That’s just not our thing.
有一次我吸嗨了打给我妈
One time, I got high and I called my mom.
我说 妈
I was like, Mom, I just–
我想告诉你 我爱你
I just want to tell you, Mom, I love you.
然后在电♥话♥那边
And you can hear her start, like, crying
她就开始哭了
on the other side of the line.
她就说 吉米 你得绝症了吗
She was like, oh, Jimmy, do you have cancer?
我们表达爱意有不同的方式
We just got different ways of showing love.
我见到我祖母的时候 我不会拥抱她
Like when I see my grandmother, I don’t give her a hug.
我会和她握手
I just give her a solid handshake.
我们不拥抱
We’re not about that hugging.
而且亚洲祖母人最好
And Asian grandmas, they’re the best.
你跟她握手 她就跟售货机一样
You give her a handshake, she’s like a vending machine.
你跟她握手 她就给你递一个红包
You give her a handshake, out comes a red envelope.
你还得假装你不想要
And you gotta pretend you don’t want that shit.
你得说 使不得 使不得
You’re like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
使不得
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
使不得 好 谢谢
No, no, please, please. OK, thank you.
这是我们表达爱意的方式
That’s just how we show love.
我爸每天给我打20个电♥话♥
My dad still calls me like 20 times a day
查岗
just to check up on me.
很烦人 但是我理解这是他表达关心的方式
It’s annoying, but I understand that’s how he shows love.
我之前跟我的朋友聊
I was talking to my friend here, and he
他说我和我爸三周没说话了
was like, oh, I haven’t talked to my dad in three weeks.
我说 怎么 他进监狱了吗
I’m like, what, is he in jail?
他说 没 我跟他一起住
He was like, no, I live with him.
就是三周没和他说话
I just haven’t talked to him in three weeks.
我就说 你知不知道 我要是三个小时内
I’m like, you do understand, if I don’t call my dad back
不给我爸回电♥话♥ 他就会报♥警♥了
in three hours, he’s going to call 911.
911 请问您有什么紧急情况
911, what’s your emergency?
我儿子死了
My son is dead!
先生 你什么情况 你儿子斯勒
It’s like, sir, is everything OK? Is your son dead?
他会说 没有 但是对我来说他已经斯勒
He’s like, no, but he’s dead to me.
好了 再见
OK, bye.
这就是我们示爱的方式
That’s just how we love.
我的父母 他们结婚38年了
My parents, they’ve been married for 38 years.
38年
Yeah, 38 years.
很幸福
It’s beautiful, man.
38年
It’s beautiful, 38 years.
有一次我问我爸 结婚38年
One time I asked my dad, I was like, Dad, after 38 years,
你还爱妈吗
do you still love Mom?
他说 爱
And he was like, (LAUGHING) love?
你妈和我离开大♥陆♥
Your mom married me to escape communist China.
不是为了爱 是因为划算
It’s not love. It’s a good deal.
这就是我们示爱的方式 各位
That’s how we show love, people.
我在这个国家生活了20年
I’ve been in this country for almost 20 years now.
我感觉自己是地道的美国人
I think I feel every bit American.
但是我觉得其它人不这么看
But I think other people still don’t see that.
作为亚裔美国人 很多时候 别人在把你视作美国人之前
As an Asian-American, a lot of times, people see you
先把你当作亚洲人
as Asian before they ever see you as American.
即便到了今天 每次我跟别人说
Even still till today, whenever I tell people
我来自香港 他们说得第一句话还是
I’m from Hong Kong, this is always the first thing they say.
你香港来的哈
They’re like, oh, yeah, you from Hong Kong?
对 香港来的 怎么了
Yeah, yeah, dude, from Hong Kong, yeah?
你好 我就心想
Ni Hao. I’m always like–
你是觉得这能给我留下什么好印象吗
Like, do think that’s impressive or something?
我不明白这种行为背后的思维方式
I don’t understand the mindset behind that.
你到我面前说 你好
You coming up to me to say, ni hao,
就跟我在节目结束之后到你们面前
it’s like me coming to you guys after the show,
跟你们说 你们是这的人
I’m like, oh, you guys from here?
都本地人 嗨
Yeah, y’all from here? Hi.
没意思 很烦人
It’s not impressive. It’s annoying.
很愚蠢
It’s stupid.
我都不爱和我的朋友去
I don’t even like going to Chinese restaurants
中餐馆了
with some of my friends anymore.
因为每次他们都要怂恿我♥干♥这件事
Because this is what they do to me every time.
总跟我说 吉米 你会说普通话吗
They’re like, Jimmy, do you speak Chinese?
你会说普通话吗 会说 用普通话点 哥们
Do you speak Chinese? Yeah, yeah, order Chinese, bro.
他们会给你整好的 用普通话点
They’re gonna hook it up. Order in Chinese.
哥们 用普通话点 哥们
Bro, bro, order in Chinese, bro.
我就回 哥们 这是熊猫快餐
I’m like, bro, we’re at Panda Express.
他是墨西哥人 搞什么
She’s Mexican. Like, what–?
他的名牌上写的是康苏埃拉
Her name tag says Consuela.
压根不是中文名字
That’s not Mandarin or Cantonese.
一点都没有变
Nothing has really changed, you know?