欧阳万成：好交易（2020）

我爸说 吉米 吉米
My dad was like, uh, Jimmy, Jimmy,
他说的兰博基尼梅西尔拉戈是什么意思
what it mean when he say Lamborghini Mercier?
那是什么东西
What’s that?
我就说 爸 他在吹嘘他的车
And I’m like, Dad, he’s bragging about his car.
是兰博基尼梅西尔拉戈 很贵的一辆车
It’s a Lamborghini Mercier Largo, a very expensive car.
你知道的吧
You know what that is, right?
他就说 哦哦哦 知道 知道
And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes.
他这么应付的时候你就知道
That’s when you know they have no idea
他们不知道你说得是什么
what the fuck you just said.
他就说 哦哦哦 知道 知道 兰博基尼 行
He was like, OK, OK, yes, yes, a Lamborghini, OK.
吉米 他说
Jimmy, what he mean when he say,
你的妞 她真饥渴 那是什么意思
your chick, she so thirsty. What’s that?
我心想 坏了
And I was like, shit, um–
爸 他在取消别人的女朋友
Dad, he’s making fun of somebody’s girlfriend, OK?
意思是说 她喜欢博取其他人的官主
It’s saying, like, she likes attention from other guys,
和他们做♥爱♥做的事
and she likes to do sex stuff with them,
口♥活♥之类的
you know, like, blow jobs and such.
他就应道 行 行 知道了
And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes.
口♥活♥ 学到了
Yes, blow jobs, OK. Mm.
吉米 吉米
Jimmy, Jimmy.
我也渴了
I’m thirsty, too, OK?
我就说 别介
So– I was like, oh, god, no.
翻译拧巴了
No, it got lost in translation.
怪恶心的
It’s disgusting.
不知道你们了解不了解
I don’t know if you guys know this,
我来自演艺世家
but I came from an acting family.
但是我不像是安吉丽娜·朱莉父亲是老戏骨
But it’s not really like Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight.
说起来我应该是和安吉丽娜·朱莉对标的
I guess I would be Angelina Jolie in that equation.
我父亲也是演员 但是他是在我之后开始的演艺生涯
My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after I did.
因为他心想 你都能做 有什么难的
Because he was like, it’s so easy, you can do it, I can.
我就说 如果你觉得简单
I’m like, Dad, fine, if you think my life’s so easy,
不如你去参加公开试镜 到时候你就知道其中的辛酸苦辣了
why don’t you go to some open call auditions and you’ll understand how
我每天要面对多少拒绝
hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job.
他就说 行啊
He was like, OK.
所有的试镜他都参加了一遍
And he went to all these auditions,
然后就开始接到各种戏
and he started booking everything.
真事
It’s a true story.
他参演了一部大♥陆♥剧 叫
He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called
小爸爸
“Little Daddy,” “Xiao Baba.”
收视人数有五个亿
Half a billion people watch that show.
算得上是中国的生活大爆♥炸♥ 理查一炮而红
It’s like the “Big Bang Theory” of China, and Richard blew up.
他就说 没什么难的吗
And he was like, this is easy.
我也说不上
I don’t know.
我的计划适得其反
My plan completely backfired.
我姑姑住在上海 她看了节目
And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show,
她打到洛杉矶
and she will call the house in LA.
说 恭喜 理查
And she’s like, congratulations, Richard,
你演的真好
you’re such a good actor.
你的表演是你儿子教的吗
Did your son teach you how to act?
他说 这是天赋
And he’s like, no, no, I’m a natural.
这下好了 你们父子俩
Oh, that’s very good, you and your son,
现在在一个行当里了
same busyness, you know?
你们俩很搞笑
You two are very funny.
他就说 吉米不好笑
He’s like, no, no, Jimmy is not funny.
我就说 爸 你说什么呢
I’m like, Dad that’s bullshit, OK?
你拿到一个好角色 祝贺你
You got one good role, good for you.
我替你高兴 但是你还算不上是真正的演员
I’m happy for you. But you’re not a real actor yet.
真正的演员 要哭 要笑
Real actors, we got to cry, we got to laugh.
你知道在镜头前要怎么哭吗
Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera?
他就说 知道 想想你乒乓球打得
He was like, yes, I just think about how
多烂眼泪就出来了
much you suck at ping pong.
不用说 我从下到大自尊心很弱
Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem,
因为我是被亚裔父母养大的
because I was raised by Asian parents.
我爸还不算坏的
My dad’s not even the worse.
我妈才叫厉害
My mom’s much worse.
不知道你们有没有和亚洲老太太打过交道
Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies?
亚洲老太会跟你挑明
Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck
你的脸有什么毛病 说得还好像
is wrong with your face, as if they’re
她们在帮你的忙
trying to do you a favor.
我去我妈家 她说的第一句话就是
I go to my mom’s house, the first thing she says,
吉米
she’s like, Jimmy,
哎呀 你怎么胖了
Ai-yah. Why is your face so fat?
衣服跟流浪汉穿的一样
Your clothes look homeless.
你这头发 Gay里Gay气
And your hair, ai-yah, it’s gay.
有时候和我妈
Sometimes it’s like embarrassing for me
逛街我都觉得丢人
to hang out with my mom, you know?
因为亚洲人 习惯不一样
Because Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know?
像我妈 她去买♥♥东西的时候
Like my mom, when she goes shopping,
不会买♥♥她需要的东西
she doesn’t buy shit she needs.
只买♥♥划算的
She just buys shit because it’s a good deal.
我有一次带了一件全价买♥♥的衬衫回家 29刀
I brought– one time, I brought a full price shirt home, $20.
她说 你全价买♥♥的
And she was like, was it full price?
不划算
No, it’s a bad deal.
我说 妈 才20刀
I was like, Mom, it’s only 20 bucks.
你脑袋被驴踢了才付20刀
She’s like, yes, $20, if you’re stupid.
她去罗丝服装折扣店兴奋得不行
She goes to Ross and she freaks out,
所有东西都打折
because everything’s a great deal.
他就说 吉米 你该买♥♥这个
She’s like, Jimmy, you should buy this.
买♥♥这个 这个划算
You should buy– this is a good deal.
这个划算
This is a good deal.
我就说 妈 这是特大码的
I’m like Mom, that’s a double XL shirt, OK?
上面还写着臣服
And it says Obey on it.
我才不要穿
I’m not gonna fucking wear that.
她就说 半价
And she’s like, it’s OK, 50% off.
早晚会合身的
Some day it’ll fit, OK?
如果你想买♥♥东西划算 就
If you want a good deal, you follow
跟着亚洲老人
the old Asian people, right?
你去好市多 能看见一堆亚洲老头老太
You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people,
因为你知道大家都能买♥♥到划算东西
because you know everyone’s getting a great deal.
没人被敲竹杠
Nobody’s getting ripped off.
你再去全食超♥市♥ 我这辈子没在那里面
You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker
见到一个亚洲的老头老太
in my life.
我们不吃这一套
We don’t believe in that shit.
全食没什么问题
Look, there’s nothing wrong with Whole Foods.
事实上 格调太高
Matter of fact, it’s too nice.
亚洲人 不相信拿钱买♥♥气氛这一套
And Asian people, we don’t like to pay for atmosphere.
你们去没去过中国的菜市场
Have you guys been to a Chinese grocery store?
跟动物园一样
It’s a fucking zoo.
走进去 一只青蛙从一排
You walk in there, there’s just a frog jumping from one aisle
跳到另一排
to the other.
鱼在地上扑腾着
There’s a piece of fish still flopping around on the floor.
一半的地方跟水族馆一样
Half the place place is an aquarium.
我不明白你们干嘛要花钱戴孩子去
I don’t know why you ever pay for kids
海洋世界
to go to SeaWorld when you just take
去大华超♥市♥免费就能体验
them to the Ranch 99 for free.
这叫划算
That’s a good deal.
这就是划算
That’s a great deal.
亚洲人 我们不买♥♥有机的东西
Asian people, we don’t buy organic shit.
我们不信有机这一套
We don’t believe in organic labeling.
看着那东西能游会走
We better still see it swimming or still walking.
这就够有机了
That’s organic to us.
只有扑腾着才算新鲜
That’s the only way we know.
我在洛杉矶的朋友 那些潮人
All my friends in LA, all my hipster friends,
都跟我说 吉米 你得吃有机食品
they’re like, Jimmy, you gotta eat organic, man.
那些普通的食物 里面有生长激素
This regular stuff you eat, they have growth hormones in them.
会害死你的
It’s gonna fucking kill you.
我就想 真的 生长激素
I’m like, really, growth hormones?
等会儿
Wait a minute.
你是在跟我说我吃了一辈子的
You’re trying to tell me I’ve been eating growth
生长激素
hormones all my life, and I’m still