欧阳万成：好交易（2020）

她跟我打招呼
She was like, hey, what’s up?
我不知道她说的是什么意思 就抬头向上看
I didn’t know what that meant, so I just looked up.
我那时真是很迷糊
I was a very confused kid.
这些习俗我都不习惯
All these little customs, I wasn’t used to.
第一天上体育课
Like the first day of PE class, first day of PE class,
我们得换上健身服
we had to change into our gym clothes.
我以前从没换过 大家都穿着中裤
I’d never done that. Everybody was wearing boxers,
我还是穿着我的白色贴身内♥裤♥
and I was still wearing tighty-whiteys.
我旁边的那个坏蛋 他可过分了
And this kid, this bully next to me, he was being real mean.
他说 看啊 这个亚洲小子穿着贴身白内♥裤♥
He was like, hey, look, the Asian kid’s
肯定是同性恋
wearing tighty-whiteys. That’s gay.
我当时想 真的吗 我和他口中说的一样嘛
And I was like, oh, really, is I what it means?
我不知道
I had no idea.
后来我换上了我的健身短裤
And then I put on my gym shorts, but my mom
可是我妈给我买♥♥的码正合适
had bought me gym shorts that was
是加小码
my exact size, an extra small.
这还挺尴尬的 裤长到了大腿中部
So that wasn’t very cool, because it came down mid-thigh.
很明显在那时
And apparently back in the day, that
那种裤子被叫做约翰·斯托克顿
was called a John Stockton.
还是我站我旁边的那个恶霸
And the same kid next to me, that bully next to me,
他又巴拉巴拉说什么 瞧瞧 别那样穿裤
he was like, hey, hey, look at– don’t wear your pants like that.
把裤脱了 老弟 脱了
Pull your pants down, man. Pull your pants down.
我当时想 现在到底谁是同性恋
And I was like, who’s the gay one now?
不过我不知道该怎么做
But I didn’t know what to do.
大家都看着我 这家伙又一直叫我脱裤子
Everybody was looking at me, and this kid kept
所以我只好 该死
saying pull your pants down. So I was like, oh, shit.
我看过肖申克的救赎
I’ve seen “Shawshank Redemption.”
或许在美国混就得这样
Maybe this is just how it works in America.
索性我开始脱裤子
So I start pulling down my shorts
拖到膝盖 再到脚踝
all the way down to my knees, all the way down to my ankle.
我身边的那个恶霸就突然开始慌了
And that same kid, the bully next to me, is like,
嘿 你搞什么
hey, what are you doing?
别全部脱下来
Don’t pull them down all the way.
真是个同性恋
That’s gay.
我不明白 在这个国家做什么不是同性恋
And I’m like, what is not gay in this country?
我旁边的另一个小子说
And apparently this other kid next me, he’s like, hey,
拜托 别全脱了
don’t pull them down all the way.
往下拉一点就行
Just sag them a little bit.
拉一下你的裤子
Just sag your pants.
我不知道什么他说的sagging是什么意思
And I didn’t know what sagging your pants meant.
很明显 把裤子往下拉露出臀部
Apparently, that’s a cool, hip hop thing,
给别人看你的小屁屁
to pull your pants down halfway down your butt
是一件很酷很嘻哈的事情
so you show everybody you asshole.
很明显 在美国不想被当作同性恋
And apparently, that’s the only not gay way
只能这样穿裤子
to wear your pants in America.
很显然 在美国穿裤子要不显得Gay
And apparently, that’s the only not gay way
只有这一个办法
to wear your pants in America.
我都不知奥
I had no idea.
我不习惯的这些美国习俗
All these weird American things I wasn’t used to.
最终我学会了怎么说英文
Eventually, I learned how to speak English by watching a lot
靠的是看电视 黑人娱乐电视台的嘻哈城市节目
of TV, mainly BET “Rap City.”
我就好这一口 我想要变酷
Because that was my shit. I want to be cool,
没有什么比黑人娱乐电视台的嘻哈之城
and nothing cooler than BET “Rap City,” right?
所有的音乐录像都是其他人美国梦的一个缩影
Every music video was a slice of somebody’s American dream.
我看的第一个Jay Z的Big Pimpin’
The first music video I saw was Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'”.
你们有没有印象
You guys remember that shit?
Jay Z的Big Pimpin’是有史以来
Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'” was the greatest
最棒的音乐录像
music video of all time.
Jay Z和一伙儿人在游艇上
It was Jay-z and his boys on a yacht pouring
冲着一个美女倒香槟
champagne on this beautiful woman’s
倒了整整四分钟
face for, like, four minutes.
我心想 这就是美♥利♥坚♥
I was like, this is America?
太棒了 给我也整一个
It’s amazing. That’s all I wanted to do.
在我做单口之前
Like before I even wanted to get into stand-up,
我就想干这个 我想要成为嘻哈歌♥手
that’s all I want to do. I want to be a rapper.
我想要成为Big Pimp里的Jay Z
I want to be like Jay-z in “Big Pimpin'”.
所以我就在高中成立了一个嘻哈团体
So I started my own rap group in high school.
这是真事
This is a true story.
有我 我的黑人朋友朱利安
It was me, my black friend Julian,
我另一个朋友游戏
and my other friend Yugi, who was
他是日裔黑人混血
half black and half Japanese.
所以我们刚好一个半黑人
So we are perfectly 1 and 1/2 black dudes
一个半亚裔
and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes.
我们管自己叫黄豹党
And we called ourselves The Yellow Panthers.
我知道
I know.
我倒希望我这是编的 但是真事
I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not.
黄豹党是个真事的说唱团体
The Yellow Panthers was a real rap group.
我们有过一首说唱歌♥曲
And we had a real rap song.
叫做地下铁路工人
It was called, “Underground Railroad Builder.”
给我弄糊涂了
I was confused.
最终 我成为了一个合格的亚裔美国人
Eventually, I became a good Asian-American,
去上大学取得了经济学学位
and I went to school to get an Economics degree.
因为这是能取悦
Because that was the easiest degree
亚洲父母的最好拿的学位
that can still appease my Asian parents.
我毕业之后 我不想要去
But then after I graduated, I didn’t want
搞经济或者金融
to do, like, econ or finance.
我就去找我爸 我说爸
So I went up to my dad, I was like, dad,
我不想要干这一行
I don’t want to do any of this.
我想去做单口表演
I want to go try and do stand-up.
他说 单口是 什么
He was like, what’s a– what’s a stand-up?
你是说脱口秀
You mean like a talk show?
我就说 脱口秀
I was like, yeah, sure, talk show,
随你怎么说
whatever you want to call it.
但是我想要追求我的梦想
But I want to go pursue my dreams.
他说
And he was like, no.
追随梦想只会让你物价可归
Pursue your dreams how you become homeless.
我说 不 爸
I was like, no, no, Dad, Dad, it’s–
现在不一样了 我们在美国了
things are different now. We’re in America, OK?
在美国 我们应该做我们爱的事
In America, we’re supposed to do what we love.
他说 不
He was like, no.
所有人为了钱做他们不喜欢的事
Everyone does what they hate for money and use
然后用工资来做他们爱做的是
the money to do what they love.
那是传统的中国思维
That’s that old school Chinese mentality, right?
我是第一代移♥民♥
See, I’m like first generation.
但是我父母 他们好像是-9代
But my parents, they’re like negative 9 generation,
他们太传统了
because they’re so frickin’ Chinese.
和我爸一起看电视很难受
Like, it’s really hard for me to watch TV with my dad,
他总是想让我给我解释
because he’s trying to make me explain everything to him.
首先 亚洲老人 他们不是看电视
First of all, old Asian people, they don’t watch TV.
他们对电视品头论足
They judge the TV.
我坐在我爸旁边
This is like, I’m just sitting next to my dad on the couch,
他穿着亚洲老年
and he’s wearing his, like, old Asian man
标准装 白衬衫加上白内♥裤♥
costume, which is just a wife beater and tighty-whiteys.
他坐在那 抱着胳膊 对电视品头论足
He’s just sitting there, arms folded, judging the TV like–
发出奇怪的噪音
He’s made some random noises around the house.
他不管什么时候打喷嚏 从来不是单纯打干净
Now whenever he sneezes, it’s never just a sneeze.
后面能带出来一骨碌家伙事
It’s like a whole tsunami of sound waves that comes after.
啊嚏
It’s just like, achoo!
哦
Oh!
该死
Ay, shit.
哦
Oh!
爹 你怎么了 你是高♥潮♥了怎么了
I’m like, what the fuck, Dad, just have an orgasm?
什么玩意
What was that?
他有一半的时间听不懂我在说什么
And he doesn’t understand what I’m saying half the time.
他就应着 高♥潮♥
He’s like, oh, there’s an orgasm.
行 高♥潮♥
OK, the orga– orgasm.
电视上演什么他都要我解释给他听
And he’s trying to make me explain everything to him on TV.
你知道给中国老年人解释说唱音乐录影
Do you understand how difficult it is to explain a rap music
有多困难吗
video to an old Chinese man?
我们坐在那
We’re just sitting there.