欧阳万成：好交易（2020）

这就有点太不尊重人了
That’s just disrespect.
我就想说 你都已经比我高5英尺（12.7厘米）了
Like, you’re already five inches taller than me.
你♥他♥妈♥干嘛还穿什么高跟鞋
Why the fuck are you wearing heels?
她就会说 穿高跟鞋会显得我的屁♥股♥更翘
She’s like, it makes my ass look better.
我就说 你的屁♥股♥现在都怼到我眼睛这里了
I’m like, your ass is at my eye level right now.
我们俩这个样子看起来都不咋样 好吗
Neither of us look good, OK?
我看起来像个儿童 你看起来像个猥亵儿童的人
I look like a child, and you look like a child molester.
上一次 上一次我带一个个子很高的女孩去他们的音乐会
Last time– the last time I took a tall girl to this concert–
我不知道你们是不是知道这个
I don’t know if you guys know this,
但是不用我说 高个子的人在音乐会上一般体验更爽
but apparently, tall people have fun at concerts.
你们懂那种感觉吗 我身高只有165cm
Are you guys aware of that? I’m 5′ 5″.
我去音乐会就是为了闻别人的狐臭的
I just go to concerts to smell other people’s armpits.
我就在想我♥干♥嘛非得给自己找这份罪受
I’m like what the fuck’s the point of this?
她倒是爽得不亦乐乎
She was having the time of her life,
高个子的人能在演唱会上干的事 她全干了个遍 你们知道吗
doing whatever tall people do at concerts, you know,
各种胡蹦乱跳 各种遮挡别人的视线
jumping around, obstructing other people’s views,
一览众山小
seeing everything.
我当时很绝望啊 我受不了了
I was frustrated. I had enough.
所以我就抬起头仰视着她 恬不知耻地说 嘿
So I just looked up at her, I was like, hey!
把我举高高
Pick me up.
这太他妈扯淡了 我付了门票钱的 好吗
This is bullshit. I paid for these tickets, OK?
我也想看比莉·埃利什
I want to see Billy Eilish, too.
快把我举起来
Come on.
我现在知道 我也算是个成年人了
I know I’m becoming an adult finally,
因为现在我最爱的电视节目是HGTV频道的《待修房♥》
because now my favorite TV show is “Fixer Upper” on HGTV.
那是有史以来最伟大的电视节目
That’s the greatest show of all time.
你们都看的 奇普和乔安娜·盖恩斯 《待修房♥》
You guys watch it, Chip and Joanna Gaines, “Fixer Upper”?
这个节目很不错 对吧 这是个很棒的电视节目
It’s a great show, right? It’s a great show.
就想一段很美好的恋爱
Like, it’s really a beautiful relationship.
乔安娜负责所有的内部装♥修♥
Joanna does all the interior decorating,
她精心挑选每一件家具
and she brings in all the furniture
让这个房♥子看起来惊艳众人
and makes the house look amazing.
奇普就雇一帮墨西哥人来干本来应该由他来干的活儿
And Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything for him.
这简直就是最典型的美国恋爱关系
It’s the most symbiotic American relationship ever.
这真的是一档很棒的节目
And it’s a really nice show.
观感极佳
It’s a feel-good show.
是一档很鼓舞人心的节目
It’s an aspiring show.
你看着这个节目 你就会感叹 天呐 终有一天
You watch the show and you’re like, man, one day, maybe
我的房♥子应该也会惊艳众人吧
my house could look that nice–
等我搬去了德克萨斯的韦科
if I moved to Waco, Texas.
如果我放弃了现在的生活搬去了德克萨斯的韦科
If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas,
或许我也能有一个梦寐以求的新的开放式的厨房♥
maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen.
我不太清楚你们是怎么想的
I don’t know about you guys.
但是我住在洛杉矶 感觉连一泡屎都是金贵的
Shit is expensive where I live in LA.
看着这个剧 我就会越来越觉得自己活得很忧伤
And I watch this show and I just get frustrated.
因为你会 油然而生一种感觉
Because you get, like, these like,
你人在德克萨斯 干着一份没有技术含量的工作
entry-level-job-having people in Texas.
而他们还会说 乔安娜 我们要找一套有6个卧室的房♥子
And they’re like, Joanna, we’re looking for a six bedroom house
周围有三亩的庭院 并且我们预算只有5万美金
on three acres of land and our budget’s $50,000.
贱♥人♥ 我要是拿着5万美金在康普顿连套烂尾房♥都买♥♥不到
Bitch, I can’t even buy a crack house in Compton for $50,000.
HGTV的基本就是成人版《豪♥宅♥趣事》
HGTV is just basically “MTV Cribs” for adults.
因为在我们15岁的时候 我们都会有一些不知天高地厚的幻想 你明白吗
Because when you were 15, you had crazier dreams, you know?
你看着MTV的《豪♥宅♥趣事》你就会幻想
You watch “MTV Cribs,” and you’re like,
哦 我的天 有一天 我希望我也能开得起兰博基尼
oh, man, one day, I hope I can have a Lamborghini.
有一天 我希望我的冰箱里面放的全部都是佳得乐（一种运动饮料）
One day, I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades.
等过了几十年 你已经35岁了 你的那些梦想
And now, you’re like 35, your dreams just
多少变得接地气一点了
get a little more realistic.
你看着HGTV 心里会想着 哦 我的天 有一天
You’re watching HGTV, and you’re just, like, oh, man, one day,
希望我能把屋顶修好
I wish I could just fix this roof.
你看 不管是以什么标准衡量 我都过得还好 你明白吗
Look, I’m doing, like, fine by any measure, you know?
但是我还是住在一个只有一间卧室的公♥寓♥里
But I still live in a one-bedroom apartment
因为那房♥子是租金管制的
because that shit is rent-controlled.
作为亚洲人 找到了划算的交易
And when the Asian people, when we find a good deal,
我们绝对不会撒手
we’re never letting that shit go.
没错
Yeah.
到时候 我一定会把那套公♥寓♥变成祖传的
That apartment is about to be generational.
我会传给我的外甥 他的孩子 接下来的好几辈
It’s gonna get passed to my nephew, his kids, and all that.
可以说 那套公♥寓♥现在已经属于我了
It’s mine now, basically.
我并不想买♥♥独栋 我反正一个人住
I don’t want to buy a house. I live by myself,
而且我还怕碰到鬼
and I’m scared of ghosts.
我看过很多电影 我知道只有独栋的房♥子才会闹鬼
I’ve seen enough movies to know that ghosts only haunt houses,
但是单间卧室的公♥寓♥一般不会
not one bedroom apartments.
真的是这样
Yeah.
我也看过很多好莱坞电影
I’ve seen enough Hollywood movies
我还知道只有有钱人才会引鬼上身
to know that ghost only haunt rich people’s houses
住在郊区的那些人 鬼倾向于找刚生孩子的家庭下手 因为他们
in the suburbs, preferably with a newborn baby, because they
钱多烧得慌啊 高风险高收益嘛
got way too much to lose. Shit is high stakes.
我反正一个人住 我光脚的不怕穿鞋的
I live by myself. I ain’t got nothing to lose.
我的公♥寓♥要是闹鬼了 我大不了搬家嘛
A ghost come haunt me, I just move.
最差的结果也不过是 我搭掉保证金不要了嘛
Worse comes to worse, I lose my security deposit.
这有什么大碍嘛 一个鬼 他还能成精吗
Fuck it, you know? What’s a ghost gonna do?
他还能追着我从一个单元到另一个单元
He’s gonna follow me from unit to unit,
半夜敲着我的灯具什么的吗
start knocking on my light fixtures and shit.
我就会说 嘿 儿子 敲吧 这灯不是爸爸的
I’m like, hey, dog, go ahead. It’s not even mine.
你不消停 咱们俩都会被撵出去的 好吗
You fuck around, we both get evicted, OK?
你也不想变成一个无家可归的鬼吧
Like, you don’t want to be a homeless ghost.
如果你真的觉得这个世界上有鬼 能一直执著在一间破公♥寓♥闹腾的鬼
And if you really think about it, what kind of loser ghost
混得是有多惨
haunts an apartment?
那可意味着那个鬼最后的归宿也就只能是一间破公♥寓♥了
That means that ghost probably died in an apartment.
他临了连个家都没混到
He didn’t even die a homeowner.
混成这个逼样儿 我都有点看不上了
I ain’t got no respect for that shit.
他要是在我那里闹 我就会在他耳边哔哔
He comes haunt me, I just start talking shit to him.
嘿 儿子 你死的时候你的信用评分
Like, hey, dog, what was your credit score when you
是几位数的
died, though, like, for real?
说真的
For real.
我出生在香港
I was born in Hong Kong.
这里有香港人吗
Any Hong Kong people?
有几个
A couple of us–
太棒了 伙计们
awesome, man.
对于那些没有及时跟进了解新闻的小伙伴来说
For you guys that haven’t been following the news,
香港是属于日本的
Hong Kong is a part of Japan.
当然了 我是开玩笑的
I’m joking, obviously.
但是我在堪萨斯城也说过这个笑话
But I said the same shit in Kansas City,
那边的人就一脸懵逼 真的吗
and people were like, really?
哇哦 今天算是长知识了 比尔
Wow, we learned something new today, Bill.
我在堪萨斯城做过一♥期♥节目 我也不知道为什么
I did a show in Kansas City. I don’t know why either.
那边的人都好
People are very nice in Kansas City.
我并不是说 他们有种族歧视或者什么的
I’m not gonna say, like, they’re racist or anything like that,
但是他们就 你懂的 有很多问号♥
but they’re just, like, curious.
他们满脸好奇地看着我 就像在看一♥期♥
Like they’re watching me like they’re watching an episode
《国家地理》一样
of National Geographic.
然后有一群长颈鹿招摇而过 他们就那种感觉
And a pack of giraffes just ran by, and they’re like,
哦 我现实生活中从来没见过这种动物
oh, I’ve never seen one of those in real life.
真的是奇观啊
It looks majestic.
有一个堪萨斯城的小男孩在节目录完之后
This one kid in Kansas City came up to me
走上前来 很不错的一个孩子
after the show, very nice kid.
他是这么说的 他说
This is what he said. He was like,
嗨 吉米 虽然你以前真的很逗
ah, Jimmy, thought you were really funny, man.
无意冒犯 听到这你就知道
I don’t mean to offend you– that’s when you know
你要被冒犯了
you’re about to get offended.
他说 我无意冒犯你
He was like, I don’t mean to offend you,
不过我第一眼看到你的海报
but when I first saw your poster,
还以为你要表演拉小提琴
I thought you were gonna play the violin.
我想 我会拉的 混♥蛋♥ 只是不是现在
I was like, I do, motherfucker, just not right now.
靠
Shit.
别抖出来
I keep it a secret.
不得不说 我的观众人都很好
See, I gotta say, I got some of the nicest crowds
很少有人为难我
in the business. I rarely ever get heckled.
有一次 我正在讲我以前是怎么拉小提琴的经历
And one time I was talking abo ut how I used to play the violin.
一位坐在前排的中国老太太
An old Chinese lady sitting in the front, just