欧阳万成：好交易（2020）

所有人的阴♥茎♥都该被假定是平均大小 直到被亲眼目睹小于平均值
Everybody should have average dick until proven guilty.
我不管你有多高 是什么种族
I don’t care how tall you are, what ethnicity you are,
你的手有多大
how big your hands are.
所有人都应该算作平均值 20厘米
Everybody should start at average dick, 8 inches.
从这开始算才对嘛
And we go from there.
真的压力很大 各位
There’s so much pressure, man.
感觉每次我做♥爱♥的时候
I feel like every time I have sex,
就有数十亿中国人在我背后做评判
there’s a billion Chinese people on my back just judging me.
我必须确保不丢中国人的脸 你们懂吧
I gotta make sure I perform and represent, you know?
我得为了我上海的叔叔顶一下
I got to get them an extra pump for my uncle
为了我香港的侄子再顶一下
in Shanghai, an extra pump for my nephew
然后卧♥槽♥ 我的天呐
in Hong Kong and shit. It’s like, oh, my god.
所以你们才会看见很多亚洲老人
That’s why you see old Asian people,
都是这样走路的 就这样
they be walking like this, just like–
压力也太大了
It’s so much pressure.
我喜欢亚洲的老年人 各位
I love old Asian people, man.
是的是的 亚洲的老年人是最棒的
Yeah, yeah, old Asian people are the best.
但为什么所有的亚洲老年人
But why are all old Asian people
总是在公园里做拉伸呢
always stretching in the park?
真的 不管你在哪个城市
Like, it doesn’t matter which city you’re in,
你去哪个公园 你早晨6点30起来
which park you go to, you wake up, 6:30 in the morning,
准能看到大概250个亚洲老人
you see about 250 old Asian people
所有人都同时做这个鬼动作
all doing this shit at the same time,
足足3小时
for like three hours.
他们是他妈的在干吗
What the fuck are they doing?
然后我老爸就跟我解释了
And my dad was trying to explain to me.
他说 他们是在热身 准备打太极了
He’s like, oh, they’re warming up to do Tai Chi.
我就问他 要热身多久啊
I’m like, for how long?
而且讽刺的是 太极本身也是个热身运动啊
And ironically, Tai Chi is a warm-up in itself.
所以他们是为了热身而热身 热完身什么也不做
So they’re warming up to warm up for nothing.
我想对很多美国人来说 他们会想
And I think to a lot of Americans, like, people think
太极是神州奇法
that Tai Chi to some, like, exotic Chinese secret,
某种东方密术
some oriental art.
不是的 太极只是给那些老得不能锻炼的人的
No. Tai Chi is just exercise for people
一种锻炼而已
who are too old to exercise.
别把这些东西看成什么神秘异域的东西
Let’s not exoticize these things, you know?
其实打太极也很简单
It’s actually super simple to do Tai Chi.
我去过公园 看了那些老人♥大♥概一小时
I went to a park, watched those old people for like an hour,
就学会了怎么打太极
and I learned how to do Tai Chi.
非常简单 你只需要做两件事
Very simple, all you gotta do is two things.
打太极你只需要做的就是
All you gotta do to do to Tai Chi
假装再擦窗户
is pretend you’re wiping down a window
同时也在被人口
and getting a blow job at the same time.
你们好像不相信啊
You guys seem skeptical.
让我证明一下
Allow me to demonstrate.
非常简单的
It’s very simple.
你只需要 双腿岔开扎个马步 好了吧
All you gotta do, you get it your little stance, right, OK?
然后你就开始擦窗户
And then you wipe down a window.
现在有人口你
And now you get a blow job.
然后你把她的头托起来 毕竟你是个绅士嘛
Then you lift her head up, because you’re a gentleman,
懂的吧
you know?
那不就是太极嘛
That’s Tai Chi.
谢谢 谢谢
Thank you, thank you.
别把这些亚洲的东西看成什么神秘异域的东西
Let’s not exoticize these Asian things.
只不过是老年人在怀念当初被人口的
They’re just old people reminiscing about the days
日子而已 就这么简单
when they got sucked off. That’s it.
但你要好好利用这些
You got to take advantages of all
对亚洲人的刻板印象 是吧
these, like, Asian stereotypes, you know?
如果有人给我们赋予了一些异域色彩 没关系的
If people are just going to exoticize us, that’s fine.
每次有人要我做一些我不太想做的事情的时候
Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don’t want to do,
我都会临场凭空编造一个中国节日
I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now.
就比如说 嘿 杰米 你下个星期一能帮我搬家吗
It’s like, hey, Jimmy can you help me move next Monday?
我就会说 星期一吗
I’m like, Monday?
那可是龙舟荔枝波巴节 兄弟
That’s the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba Festiva, dog.
我没办法 我没办法帮你搬家的
I can’t– I can’t just help you move.
我的姥爷就是因为这个节日去世的 你明白吗
My grandfather died for that shit, you understand?
要是有人觉得我可能不会
And if people are just gonna assume that I don’t
说英语 也没关系的
speak English, that’s fine.
每次我被条子拦下的时候 我都是这么做的
That’s what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops.
我就假装我不会说英语
I just pretend I don’t speak English.
就靠这个本事 我已经5年都没有被开过罚单了
I haven’t gotten a ticket in five years.
还记得上次我被拦下
Last time I got pulled over,
那个警♥察♥就敲我的车窗
the cop was knocking on my window.
他好像是说 先生 你应该明白你
He was like, sir, you do understand you
在这里是不能右转弯的 对吧
can’t make a right turn here?
那边标志上显示 你不能在这里右转弯的
It says right there on the sign.
你不能右转弯
You can’t make a right turn.
所以我就一脸无辜地望着他 我就那副表情
So I just looked up at him. I was like,
哦 我不知道
Oh, I don’t know.
很抱歉 但是 俺的英语不是特别好
I’m sorry, but-ah English not very good.
所以 我看不懂那个 那个标志
So I cannot read-ah the sign.
他有点不太明白 他就把目光由那个标志再看向我
And he was really confused. He just looked back down at me.
他说 先生 这个标志上面没有英语
He was like, sir, the sign is not in English.
那是个图标 所以我不太明白
It’s a diagram, so I don’t understand
你不会英语怎么就妨碍你看懂图标了
how that’s a language barrier?
所以我又一脸无辜地望着他 我就说
So I just looked up at him. I was like,
哦 我也不知道
Oh… I don’t know.
但是你知道吗 今天是龙舟荔枝波巴节
But do you know today is the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba–
你们得好好把这个节日为我所用 大伙儿们
You got to use it to your advantage, people.
真的很高兴 今天能见到你们 大伙儿们
I’m very happy to be here, man.
谢谢你们
Thank you.
哦 你们真的不用 谢谢你们
Oh, you guys don’t have to– thank you.
感谢你们所有人的支持
Thank you for all your support.
真的很感谢 真的非常感谢
It’s been great. It’s been really great.
我终于 我总算是小有名气了
Like, I’m finally– I’m like quasi-famous now.
我的生活还是和往常一样
Nothing’s really changed.
我可能会在某几家华馆得到一份免费的开胃菜
I might get a free appetizer at select PF Chang’s.
仅此而已 没有什么太大的变化
That’s about it. Nothing’s really changed.
我直到一年之前我都还在用探探
I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago.
这是真的
This is a true story.
但是现在 我发现用约炮软件有个问题
But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder.
就像现在 如果我和一个姑娘匹配成功
Like now, when I do match with a girl,
她都不敢相信我是欧阳万成本人
she doesn’t believe that it’s me.
她就会说 呃 这人不是你
Like, ew, that’s not you.
你才不是那个节目或者这个节目上面的那个人
You’re not that guy from this thing and that thing.
我就会说 谁会用我的照片钓鱼
I’m like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile?
没人挑了吗挑到我 兄弟
You gotta dig real deep to use me, man.
我表现得就像 有那么多英俊帅气的人 你干嘛非得用我的照片
I feel like there’s so many better choices out there.
有一次 有一次 我的经纪人跟我说他觉得我其实长得还挺标致的
One time– one time, my agent told me that I had a good look.
我就说 谢谢你 兄弟 谢谢夸奖
And I’m like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that.
但是 好多年过去了 我才恍然大悟 原来长得标致
But then it took me years to realize that having a good look
和长得好看完完全全是两码事
is totally different than being good-looking.
我现在还是不太明白长得标致是什么意思
I still don’t know what the fuck it means.
你们听我说 我真的没有在妄自菲薄 好吗
And look, I’m not being self-deprecating, OK?
这都是好莱坞那一套 我才不屑那一套
That’s Hollywood talk. I don’t listen to that shit.
我明白 其实在现实生活中
I understand that, in real life,
我其实还算长得蛮好看的
I’m like super good-looking–
如果你们喜欢日本动漫的话
if you’re into anime.
你们得学会爱屋及乌啊 大伙儿们
You gotta get in where you fit in, people.
有一次 我去到那个女孩的家里
One time, I went over to the girl’s house,
她的卧室墙上挂着好大一张火影忍♥者的海报
she has this, like, Naruto anime poster in her bedroom.
我就知道我那天晚上要有性生活了
I knew I was fucking that night.
你得明白你的优势所在 大伙儿们
You got to know your demo, people.
我都是亚洲人了 还要什么探探
Asian people, we don’t need Tinder anymore.
我们只需要去到防弹少年团的音乐会
We just go to BTS concerts.
那才是我们在停车场拉皮条的正确打开方式
That’s how we do that parking lot pimping.
我最近和很多个子高的女孩儿约过会
I’ve been dating a lot of tall girls lately,
因为这样显得我像是成功人士
because it makes me look successful.
不 不是那个意思 我知道个子高的女孩儿都很漂亮
No, no. I think tall women are beautiful.
但是她们当中的一些喜欢穿高跟鞋
But some of them like to wear heels.