欧阳万成：好交易（2020）

女士们先生们 掌声欢迎
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage
欧阳万成
Jimmy O. Yang!
大家好啊
How’s everybody doing?
好 好
Yes, yes.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
感谢大家来看我表演
Thank you guys very much for coming out.
怎么样啊 漂亮帅气的各位
What’s up, y’all beautiful people?
你们太棒了 伙计们
This is great, man.
你们先坐下吧
You guys can have a seat now.
先坐下吧
You guys can have a seat.
谢谢 谢谢大家
Thank you, thank you so much.
我的亚洲朋友们在哪呢 亚洲朋友们
Where my Asian people at, Asian people?
嘿
Hey!
你们也出门了啊
You came out!
我们出来就是亚洲人的代表啊 各位
We’re out here representing, man.
不得不说 我们亚洲人这几年的日子
I got to say, it’s been a couple of good years for us
好过了不少 是吧
Asians, right?
去年不就有一部电影叫摘金奇缘
We had “Crazy Rich Asians” last year.
那可是我们的高光时刻啊
That was a huge moment for us, yeah.
林书豪拿了冠军
Jeremy Lin won a championship…
因为他什么也没做
for doing nothing.
这可是第一个拿到参与奖的亚洲小子
He’s the first Asian kid to receive a participation trophy.
我们得为他骄傲 终于啊
We got to be proud of him, finally.
这几年真的是 太好了 朋友们
It’s great, great couple of years, man.
但这也就是最近的事
But this is recent history.
不知道你们还记不记得
I don’t know if you guys remember this.
就在三年前 还有一部电影名叫
Just three years ago, there was a movie
长城
called “The Great Wall”–
马特·达蒙主演的 真有这部电影哦
starring Matt Damon. It was a real movie.
马特·达蒙在古代中国
It was Matt Damon in ancient China
大战巨龙和其他妖魔鬼怪 而且所有人都在说英语
fighting dragons and shit, and everybody spoke English?
我就想说 这他妈什么玩意
I said, what the fuck is this?
但你们要知道 我并不是在生马特·达蒙的气 好吧
But you got to understand. I’m not mad at Matt Damon, OK?
他只是个演员 他也要谋生的嘛
He’s an actor. That’s what he does for a living.
要演戏才能拿到钱嘛 我能理解
That’s how he gets a check. I get it.
要是有人出钱让我主演一部名叫
If somebody were to offer me a lead role in a movie called
总统山的电影
“Mount Rushmore,”…
我要把演乔治·华盛顿演活
I would play the shit out of George Washington,
你们明白我意思吧
you know what I mean?
你愿意死 我就愿意埋
No shame in my game.
可以的话我就演乔治·华盛顿·卡佛
I’ll play George Washington Carver if they let me.
顺便一提 我后说的是个黑人 不知道你们知不知道
That’s a black guy, by the way. I don’t know if you know.
总要有人代表嘛 是吧
Gotta represent, man.
我在外面街上看到一大群人
I see a lot of people out here in the streets,
他们想过来找我 但他们好像不太确定
they want to come up to me, but they’re not really sure.
他们一群朋友中有人在争论
There’s a lot of debate amongst their friends.
嘴里说着 嘿 兄弟 你确定那个就是他吗
They’re like, hey, man, are you sure that’s him?
要是上去的话就必须确定是他
If we go up there, we got to be sure.
因为如果我们上去了但不是他
Because if we go up there and it’s not him,
我们就像是种族主义者了
we’re gonna look super racist.
你确定那个不是郑肯吗
Are you sure that’s not Ken Jeong?
不知道 感觉有点像是黄阿丽
I don’t know. It looks kind of like Ali Wong.
我不知道啊
I don’t know.
然后他们上来找我了 结果他们第一句话
And they come up to me, it’s always like, the first thing
经常就是 嘿 伙计 你不就是那个
they say, like, hey, hey, man, aren’t you
电视剧硅谷里面的杨建吗
that dude Jian-Yang from that show “Silicon Valley”?
然后我就说 谢谢
And I’m like, oh, thanks.
谢谢你
Thank you.
是 是我是我 谢谢你
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you.
谢谢你 非常感谢 我就是他
Thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, I am.
然后他们就说 卧♥槽♥ 我都不知道
And then they’re like, oh, shit, I didn’t even know
你现实中竟然也说英语啊
you speak English in real life!
我就想 那才叫表演啊 妈的智障
I’m like, it’s called acting, motherfucker.
就好比说是 你该不会真以为马特·达蒙曾经是个中国人吧
Like, did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese?
你到底怎么想的
Like, what’s wrong with you?
我不明白这种脱节的想法
I don’t know what the disconnect is.
比如说一个白人演员要是有英国口音
Like, if a white actor does a British accent,
那他就是表演家
he’s a thespian.
拿过奥斯卡
He wins an Oscar.
然后我要是有中国口音 我就不是
If I do a Chinese accent, I’m automatically
美国人了
from the old country.
代表是很重要的 各位
Representation matters, man.
很多亚洲朋友来找我 都是很骄傲 很友好的
A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice.
他们会说 吉米 谢谢你代表了亚洲人
They’re like, Jimmy, thank you for represent the Asians, man.
我只能说 嗯 谢谢你
I’m like, eh, you’re welcome.
但你们都明白 这不是我能选择的 对吧
But you do understand, it’s not really a choice, right?
就是你一睁眼是个亚洲人 那你也只能代表亚洲人啊
Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians.
我总不能突然一天睁眼之后说是 妈的
I couldn’t just wake up one day and be like, fuck it,
我今天要代表尼日利亚人了
I’m representing Nigerians today.
能代表亚洲人我很自豪
I’m very proud to represent Asians.
但同时呢 也有很大的压力
But at the same time, there’s so much pressure.
不过说起来 好像没有人去找马特·达蒙
Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon
然后说嘿 马特 谢谢你代表了白人
and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites.
这听起来很怪
It sounds weird.
总感觉像是另一种对话了 你们懂吧
That’s like a different conversation for some reason, you know?
要是有人来找我 然后说嘿 吉米
If somebody came up to me being like, hey, Jimmy,
我代表白人
I’m representing for the whites,
我会立刻离开那个城市
I would leave that town immediately
再也不回来了
and never come back.
做一个代表人物真的压力很大
So much pressure to represent.
我现在得随时随地做一个优秀的亚洲人了
I got to be a good Asian everywhere now.
到哪都得给点小费
I got to tip everywhere I go.
这倒也是个做亚洲人的
That was one of the major advantages
主要好处之一了 我可以直接假装
of being Asian, is I could just pretend
不知道怎么给小费
I don’t know how to tip.
你们知道在中国的小费是什么吗
Y’all know what a Chinese tip is?
中国的小费 不管你花了多少钱
Chinese tip, it doesn’t matter how big your bill is,
都只需要给两块钱 那就是中
you tip $2. That’s a Chi–
那就是中国的小费 各位
That’s a Chinese tip, man.
现在我到哪都得给20%的小费了
Now I got to tip 20% everywhere.
必须给每个优步司机五星好评
I got to give every Uber driver five-star ratings
这样才能做个优秀的代表人物
just so I can be a good representative.
我到哪都是在代表
Everywhere I go, I got to represent.
哪怕是日常杂七杂八的事 就连在卧室我也是在代表
Even day to day shit, even the bedroom I got to represent.
有一次我勾搭上一个女孩之后
After I hooked up with this one girl,
她是这么跟我说的 她说 吉米
this is what she said to me. She was like, Jimmy,
我不知道怎么跟你说
I don’t know how to tell you this,
但你是我相处的第一个亚洲人
but you’re the first Asian guy I’ve ever been with.
我说 哦
I’m like, OK.
不然你想要什么啊 给你个幸运曲奇吗
What do you want, a fortune cookie?
还是说你
Like, wha–?
是吧 你到底想要什么嘛
Like, what do you want?
她的表现像是刚刚解锁了一个街头霸王的
She acted like she just unlocked a new character
新角色一样
on Street Fighter or some shit.
你觉得说这句话有什么必要吗
Why do you feel the need to say that?
这个女孩说的话真的很不尊重人
This one girl said this shit that was so disrespectful.
这句话是我们在一起之后她跟我说的
This is what she said to me after we hooked up.
她说 吉米 我很高兴
She was like, Jimmy, um, I’m just
刻板印象不是真的
glad the stereotype’s not true.
你的阴♥茎♥还是不小的
You don’t have a small penis.
我说 婊♥子♥ 你知道你刚才这句话侮辱了
I’m like, bitch, you understand you just insulted
我整个种族的人吗
my entire race of people?
但是谢谢你
But thank you.
首先 谢谢你们觉得
First of all, thank you for thinking
我的阴♥茎♥不小 也相信了我们做过爱
that I did have a small penis, and we still had sex.
你就是全场最佳
You’re the real MVP.
今晚给你发两个幸运曲奇 女士
You get two fortune cookies tonight, miss.
谢谢你
Thank you.
但那个刻板印象真的很差劲 是吧
But that’s a fucked up stereotype, right?
那根本不是事实 就是个差劲的刻板印象
That’s not even true. That’s a fucked up stereotype.