上错天堂投错胎（1978）

AND AFTER THEY DIE, THEY GO TO HEAVEN?
我猜是吧 如果他们没做坏事的话
I GUESS, IF–IF THEY’RE GOOD.
I MEAN, WHY NOT?
你知道天堂如何运作吗？
YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS IN HEAVEN?
-不知道 -那跟机率有关
NOT EXACTLY.
IT’S PROBABILITY AND OUTCOME.
PROBABILITY AND OUTCOME.
PROBABILITY AND OUTCOME.
我不知道这点
I NEVER KNEW THAT.
例如一个傢伙的死亡机会很大
LET’S SAY THERE’S A PROBABILITY
THAT SOME GUY’S GOING TO DIE.
停留站的护送者就会获得讯息
WHAT HAPPENS IS AN ESCORT
FROM HIS WAY STATION GETS A SIGNAL.
于是他下来等待结果
HE GOES DOWN AND WAITS FOR THE OUTCOME.
如果那个傢伙活下来 护送者就浪费此程
IF THE GUY LIVES, HE WASTED A TRIP.
如果他死了 他就带他回停留站
IF HE DIES, HE PICKS HIM UP
他让他排队等候最终的目的地 你听懂吗？
AND TAKES HIM BACK TO HIS WAY STATION.
HE PUTS HIM IN LINE FOR HIS FINAL DESTINATION.
你介意我抽烟吗？
MIND IF I SMOKE?
抽吧，刚好有个新来的护送者 他得到讯息
GO AHEAD.
LET’S SAY THERE’S A NEW ESCORT.
HE GETS A SIGNAL.
他看到一个人骑著单车 向隧♥道♥前进
HE TAKES OFF AND SEES A GUY
RIDING A BICYCLE INTO A TUNNEL.
另一边有辆车驶来 护送者继续等候
THE CAR’S COMING THE OTHER WAY.
但他是个新来的而且他认为 那个傢伙必死无疑
HE’S SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THE OUTCOME,
BUT HE’S NEW AND FIGURES THE GUY’S A GONER.
他想著为甚麽要让车撞他？
HE FIGURES, WHY SHOULD I HAVE THE CAR HIT HIM?
何不早几秒钟带走他的生命
WHY NOT TAKE HIM OUT A FEW SECONDS EARLY
然后回到停留站？
AND TAKE HIM UP TO HIS WAY STATION?
-我需要火柴 -那个钟是个打火机
LISTEN, I, UH… NEED A MATCH.
THAT CLOCK, THAT’S A LIGHTER.
SO THE THING IS,
但他带走的傢伙不是普通人
THE GUY HE TAKES UP TO THE WAY STATION
ISN’T JUST SOME ORDINARY GUY.
而是个反射动作 非常好的运动员
HE’S AN ATHLETE WITH FANTASTIC REFLEXES.
他可能不会撞上车
HE WOULDN’T HAVE HIT THE CAR AT ALL, SEE?
-这个怎麽用？ -这裡
那个傢伙不该死
HOW DO YOU LIGHT THIS?
THE GUY WASN’T REALLY DEAD.
他还有好几十年的寿命 他有可能不会撞车
HIS NUMBER WASN’T UP FOR YEARS.
真的吗？这是打火机吗？
HE WOULD HAVE MISSED THE CAR.
LOOK AT THE TIME. IS THIS LIGHTER RIGHT?
他们应该让他回到他的身体裡 但他的身体被火化了
THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO PUT HIM BACK IN HIS BODY,
BUT THEY CAN’T ‘CAUSE HE’S BEEN CREMATED.
-所以他们得另找一个身体 -听我说
THEY HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER BODY FOR HIM.
我只是个训练员 你需要的是一个好医生
NOW, LOOK, MR. FARNSWORTH, I’M JUST A TRAINER.
WHAT YOU NEED IS LIKE A REALLY GOOD DOCTOR.
-你不明白吗？ -明白，很精彩的故事
DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY?
SURE. THAT’S A HELL OF A STORY.
MAX, YOU– MR. JORDAN.
乔登先生，真高兴见到你
I’M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.
I’M TRYING TO GET FARNSWORTH
我要用法思沃斯的身体来健身
INTO SHAPE FOR THE SUPER BOWL.
-我想叫寇克帮我 -你在跟谁说话？
I WANT CORKLE TO HELP ME.
SOMEBODY WITH US? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
乔登先生，他负责停留站
MR. JORDAN. HE RUNS THE WAY STATION.
你不能看到他，因为你还活著
YOU CAN’T SEE HIM. YOU’RE STILL ALIVE.
你们俩可能有许多话要谈 我先走了
YOU PROBABLY GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.
-等一等，麦斯 -告诉他你是谁
I’LL BE ON MY WAY.
WAIT A SECOND, MAX.
他不会相信我的 你告诉他好了
TELL HIM WHO YOU ARE, JOE.
HE’S NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE ME.
他是唯一可以安排 我跟公羊队测试的人
HE’S THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW
你可以让他相信你
WHO CAN GET ME A TRYOUT WITH THE RAMS.
-你看著我 -法思沃斯先生…
YOU CAN MAKE HIM BELIEVE YOU.
麦斯，我不是法思沃斯 而是乔潘勒顿
MAX! I’M NOT FARNSWORTH. I’M JOE PENDLETON.
法思沃斯的妻子和秘书 谋杀了他
FARNSWORTH’S WIFE AND SECRETARY MURDERED HIM.
这是他们为我找的身体
THIS IS JUST A BODY THEY FOUND FOR ME.
他们将他下了药 然后我就进入他的身体
THEY DRUGGED HIM, STUCK HIM IN A BATHTUB,
THEN I STEPPED IN.
他的体格不差 我可以将他训练的更好
IT’S NOT BAD MATERIAL. I CAN GET IT INTO SHAPE.
-我不想再听下去了 -麦斯，求求你
MAX, PLEASE.
LOOK, I REALLY WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
我要离开这裡
I WON’T TELL A WORD TO ANYBODY.
我不会告诉任何人，我保证 这将会是我们之间的秘密
I PROMISE. IT’LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET.
秘密？ 就像你姊姊和可乐推销员的事
LIKE WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT YOUR SISTER
-还有你舌头上的疤痕？ -你怎会…
AND THE COCA-COLA SALESMAN?
WHAT ABOUT THAT SCAR YOU GOT
ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR TONGUE?
你在你舅舅的婚礼上 做了甚麽？
WHAT DID YOU DO AT YOUR UNCLE’S WEDDING?
WHAT ABOUT THE FIRST TIME
还有我第一次治好你的脖子？
I FIXED YOUR NECK IN PITTSBURGH?
你相信我了吗？麦斯
[CRACK]
NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME, MAX?
PLEASE SAY YOU BELIEVE ME.
天堂并没有橄榄球队 所以上帝无法让我成为正选
THEY DON’T HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM IN HEAVEN,
SO GOD COULDN’T MAKE ME FIRST-STRING.
他不相信我
HE DOESN’T BELIEVE ME, MR. JORDAN.
试试你的音乐 那会让他相信的
TRY A LITTLE MUSIC, JOE.
THAT’S A GREAT PERSUADER.
乔，你练习成功了
JOE, YOU NEVER COULD PLAY THAT THING.
JOE.
你没事吧？麦斯
YOU ALL RIGHT, MAX?
MAX… YOU ALL RIGHT?
班特利，马上弄一杯肝脏奶昔
SISK!
EVERETT!
BENTLEY!
WHIP UP A LIVER AND WHEY SHAKE RIGHT AWAY!
我一定要打超级杯
I’M GONNA PLAY QUARTERBACK IN THE SUPER BOWL.
那是我的愿望
AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT, RIGHT, MR. JORDAN?
如果那是你的愿望的话
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’VE GOT COMING TO YOU.
-他还在这裡吗？ -还在那裡
HE’S STILL HERE?
听我说，法思沃斯的体格不差
RIGHT THERE.
MAX, LISTEN TO ME.
FARNSWORTH ISN’T IN BAD SHAPE.
我仍然知道怎麽打球 你只要帮我健身
I STILL KNOW THE MOVES.
JUST HELP ME WITH THE BODY.
谢谢你，乔登先生
THANKS, MR. JORDAN.
西斯克，肝脏奶昔好了没？ 快点
SISK! HOW ABOUT THAT LIVER AND WHEY SHAKE?
HURRY UP. HURRY UP.
-弄一杯给寇克先生 -好的，马上来
I NEED IT FOR MR. CORKLE.
我要全部人换上运动服 准备一起健身
YES, SIR. RIGHT AWAY.
I WANT THE WHOLE STAFF TO SUIT UP.
WE’RE GOING INTO TRAINING.
乔登先生，对吧？
UH, LISTEN, MR., UH…JORDAN, IS IT?
HUH?
你还在吗？
YOU STILL THERE?
如果你想插话，随时欢迎你
UH, ANYTIME YOU WANT TO CHIME IN…
WHY, JUST FEEL FREE.
我竟说随时欢迎你
FEEL FREE. I’M TELLING YOU TO FEEL FREE.
你得帮帮我劝乔打消这个念头
YOU GOT TO HELP ME TALK JOE OUT OF THIS.
如果我真的帮他安排测试
IF I DO GET HIM A TRYOUT,
他的身体根本承受不住
THAT TEAM WILL PUT HIM OUT OF COMMISSION LIKE THAT.
老天，我竟不能捻♥手指
CHRIST, I CAN’T EVEN SNAP MY FINGERS ANYMORE.
OH, SORRY.
他已不在了，你可别发疯 我还要依靠你
HE’S NOT THERE, MAX.
DON’T GET CRAZY ON ME. I’M COUNTING ON YOU.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
这不会成功的
THIS JUST ISN’T GOING TO WORK.
我们这是在玩弄公羊队
THESE ARE THE L.A. RAMS WE’RE FOOLING WITH.
这实在…好吧
IT–IT’S JUST– WELL, ALL RIGHT.
我仍在想我该怎麽说
I’M STILL FIGURING OUT WHAT I’LL SAY. I…
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
你是在跟一群佣人练习
YOU’RE PLAYING FOOTBALL WITH A BUNCH OF BUTLERS.
-这不会成功的 -我会想办法的
WE’RE IN THE SUPER BOWL. THIS WON’T WORK.
-你要怎麽做？ -我买♥♥下公羊队
DON’T WORRY. I FIXED ALL THAT.
HOW?
I BOUGHT THE RAMS.
法思沃斯已买♥♥下这支队伍 而且他想打四分卫
LEO FARNSWORTH HAS BOUGHT THIS TEAM,
AND HE WANTS TO PLAY QUARTERBACK.
-可恶 -疯狂的混♥蛋♥
SHIT!
CRAZY SON OF A BITCH.
太乱来了
WE WON’T TAKE THIS BULLSHIT, COACH.
听我说，事情已成定局
WAIT A MINUTE. LISTEN, FELLAS.
他会在星期三的争夺赛中 打四分卫的位置
THIS IS THE WAY IT IS.
HE’LL PLAY QUARTERBACK IN WEDNESDAY’S SCRIMMAGE.
那时教练会决定
AT WHICH TIME, HE AND THE COACH WILL DECIDE
他是否够资格打四分卫
WHETHER HE’S QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB OR NOT.
法思沃斯先生说 「任何人都不准让他」
MR. FARNSWORTH SAYS, “TELL NO ONE TO HOLD BACK.”
这些话是他说的
THESE WERE HIS WORDS.
「将争夺赛 当成超级杯来比赛」
“LET’S PLAY THAT SCRIMMAGE LIKE THE SUPER BOWL.”
-那就照他的话去做 -给他点颜色瞧瞧
TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD.
LET’S KILL HIM.
那个混♥蛋♥买♥♥下我的队伍
MY TEAM.
THAT SON OF A BITCH GOT MY TEAM.
他如何对你施压？
WHAT KIND OF PRESSURE DID HE USE, MILT?
我开价六千七百万，他答应了
WELL, I ASKED FOR 67 MILLION, AND…
HE SAID, “OK.”
王八蛋
RUTHLESS BASTARD.