So, I bought a house around the corner.
地点非常靠近前妻的家
Ok? Like a fucking quarter of a mile. LIke, right around the fucking corner.
非常靠近那间房♥子
Damn near the same house, ok?
可是我依然做得不够
But, it wasn’t enough, man.
法庭上 法官问我：“洛克先生
I went in there and that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock,
你必须出示…
I need to see pictures…
小孩睡房♥的照片 本官要确保孩子有个睡觉的空间”
of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.”
我心想，你以为我买♥♥的是个马槽吗？
I was like, “What… What… You think I got a manger? What?
我买♥♥了一间豪♥宅♥ 房♥子里怎么可能没有床？
Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?”
那我就出示照片
Ok, showed him the picture, right?
但这还不够 接着法官问：“洛克先生
But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock,
你必须出示放满食物的冰柜
I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside…
本官要确保孩子三餐温饱”
to make sure the children have enough to eat.”
我她妈……你到底听见哪些关于我的谣言？
And I’m like… “What have you heard about me?”
我是克里斯洛克 不是克里斯布朗
“I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.”
天啊
Yo, man.
我希望你们不会离婚
Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced.
大家听我说 当你们…
I’m telling you right now, if you ever
疼爱孩子时 记得拍照留底
do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit.
拥抱时 拍照留底 给他们喂食时 也拍照留底
If you hug them, take a picture. If you feed them, take a picture.
毕竟你们永远不知道 哪天需要拿出“爱之收据”
‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love.
凛冬将至
Winter is coming.
最后我成功了 我获得了孩子的抚养权
It worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids. I got my custody.
再好也不过了 是吧？
It’s fucking beautiful, ok?
我获得了孩子的抚养权
Got my kids, man.
我今天下午刚刚获得了 两个臭小孩的抚养权
I just won them this afternoon. I got my fucking kids, man.
整个过程简直是个奇耻大辱
That shit was, like, humiliating, man.
我们必须证明自己 拥有为人父母的能力
Trying to… prove your parenthood, man.
我说过感情中不应该存有竞争
So, I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship.
但经历过离婚后
But, after you go through that shit,
体会过担心失去孩子的心情
like, “Am I gonna lose my kids?
我向来特别关照孩子
It’s like, “Yo, I’m going hard, every time I have my kids.”
我向来都特别关照她们 如今我更加关照她们
And I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard.
我不知道孩子们在母亲家做什么 但我一定会做得比妈妈更好
“I don’t know what you’re doing at your mother’s house,
but we gonna top that shit.”
我们每时每刻都在角力 知道吗？
Every motherfucking time, ok?
有时我会邀请明星到家做客
Sometimes I bring guest stars.
确保她们回去后把这件事告诉妈妈
I make sure they go back to her with a story.
“妈妈 德瑞克叔叔刚才教我写作业”
They like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.”
“雷迪嘎嘎刚才为我做了 一份烤乳酪三明治”
“Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.”
你们以为我在吹牛
Ya’ll think I’m bullshitting.
不妨看看我的Instagram
Check my Instagram, alright?
可怕的是…
And the crazy thing is…
经历抚养权风波后
So, after you get through the custody thing,
我们还得分家产 天啊 吓死人了
then you gotta divide the money. That’s some fucking scary shit, man.
哪个家长…
And whoever, whoever…
赚最多前的那位家长 必须赔偿另一方的诉讼费用
makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person.
我得付钱给律师叫他帮我离婚
So, I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me.
好比如雇用杀手来杀死自己
That’s like hiring a hit man to kill you.
“这是我的照片
It’s like, “Ok, here’s a picture of me.
10点38分 我会出现在汉堡王 听清楚了吗？
I’m gonna be at Burger King…
at 10:38, ok?
届时朝我头部开枪 事后打给我”
Shoot me in the head and give me a call.”
So..
有回我到了法庭 没事到处逛逛
I’m in court. Yo, one day I’m in court and I’m just looking around.
前妻请了三个律师 我也请了三个律师
And, you know, she got three lawyers. I got three lawyers.
贵得要命
Shit’s expensive as fuck.
她请了三个律师 我也请了三个律师
She got three lawyers. I got three lawyers.
在场还有法官、法警和速记员 我看着这些狗♥娘♥养♥的家伙
The judge. The bailiff.
The stenographer. And I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man.
天啊 城里的人都到齐了
I was like, “Wow, look at this whole town.”
Just here.
大家都聚在这里
我看着这些人 惊觉他们的教育程度
And I’m looking at all these people and realize, like, everybody in this room
都比我还高
is far more educated than me.
各位观众 我在少年高中辍学
Everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, ok.
被大学生看扁 知道吗？
Got college motherfuckers coming at me, right?
那天我发现庭上的人 家境都比我来得好
And I realize everybody in the room, born to much better circumstances than me.
我来自北方 是个狗♥娘♥养♥的小混混
I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby.
这些人都是来挣我的钱
And everybody in there is there to take my money.
我觉得当时除了我以外 其他人都会荷包满满回家
It’s like, “Everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me.”
他们一早起来 刷牙、穿上整套西装
And they got up that morning. They brushed they teeth. They put on suits.
整理头发 仅仅为了挣我的钱
They fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit.
那一刻 我突然察觉到…
And, at that moment, I realized something.
我成功了
I made it.
我成功了
I made it.
甘于从低做起 如今我来到了这个舞台上
Started from the bottom, now I’m here.
我成功了
I made it, man.
有了这个想法后 我心想：“去他的 该拿的就拿去吧”
And after that, I was like, “Fuck it, take it. Whatever you need. Take it.
我会好好的 没事的
I’ll be alright. I’m gonna work. It’s gonna be good.”
不可思议的是 有些事是必学的功课
‘Cause here’s the crazy thing. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn.
这是我自己惹的祸
Like, I brought this shit on myself.
没有人叫我去叫♥鸡♥ 懂吗？
You know? Nobody told me to go ho up, you know.
是我自己惹的祸
I brought this shit on myself.
你们也该从中吸取教训
And, you just gotta learn some lessons. Some man lessons. Ok?
我知道当女人不容易 但有个残酷的事实
I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness…
我们必须接受
that you have to accept…
当一个男人 尤其是黑人
when you’re a man, especially a black man. It’s like…
现实残酷得血肉模糊 懂吗？
The worlds cold as a motherfucker, ok?
老来搞懂了一件事
When you get older, one thing I learned…
唯有女人、小孩和狗狗…
only women, children and dogs…
才会无条件地被爱
are loved unconditionally.
唯有女人、孩子和狗狗 才会无条件地被爱
Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally.
男人之所以被爱
A man is only loved…
只有一个原因 那就是他有所付出
under the condition that he provides something.
懂吗？
Ok?
我从来不曾听见女人说…
I’ve never heard a woman in my life say,
“自从他被解雇后 我们感情越来越要好了”
“You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.”
我没听到哪个女人这样说。 我曾经听我奶奶说过
No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say,
一个没用的男人就像一只断了的手
“A broke man is like a broke hand.
什么都做不了
Can’t do nothing with it.”
这是什么歪理邪说？
What kind of gangster shit is that?
没错 唯有女人、孩子和狗狗 才会无条件地被爱
That’s right. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally.
男人之所以被爱只有一个原因 那就是他有所付出
A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.
没错 各位男同胞
That’s right, fellas,
你刚认识一个女生
when you meet a new girl,
你的朋友问你什么来着？
what do your friends ask you?
“她长得如何？”
“What’s she look like?”
各位女士 你刚认识一个男人
Ladies, when you meet a new guy,
你的朋友问你什么来着？
what do your friends ask you?
“他干哪行的？
“What does he do?”
那个黑鬼干哪行的？帮得上你吗？
“What the fuck does that nigga do that can help you out?
这个黑鬼可以 让你加速实现梦想吗？”
Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not?
即便到了今时今日 米歇尔奥巴马…
Even right now, Michelle Obama
依然望着奥巴马说： “黑鬼 接下来有何计划？
is looking at Barack, going, “What’s your plans, nigga?”
那本书写得怎样了？
“How’s that book turning out?
我要看看你写了几页”
I need to see some pages.”
我记得法庭判决离婚后
I remember, right when my divorce was final,
我在一场派对上遇见蕾哈娜
I was at a party and I saw Rihanna.
心想：“我就重新谈一场恋爱吧”
I was like, “Ok, let’s start this again.”
我在一场派对上遇见蕾哈娜
So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna.
决定上前打声招呼
I was like, “Ok, let me say whats up.” Right?
我说：“蕾哈娜 最近好吗？”
And I’m like, “How you doing, Rihanna?”
你们曾经忘记自己的年纪吗？
You ever forget how old you are?
蕾哈娜望着我的表情 就像见到她的姑姑似的
Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like…
她完全不把我的鸡♥巴♥ 看成是有社会经验的玩意
She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society.
跟艾瑞莎弗兰克林上♥床♥ 可能还比较容易
Like, I would have had an easier time fucking Aretha Franklin.
我玩够了 不会再偷吃了
Ah, man. I’m retired. I am, uh… This cheat shit. I’m done.
我不玩了 人活到某个年纪
I’m done. You get to a certain age.
就会规规矩矩 毕竟我们失去的够多了
You go, you lost… Shit. You lose enough shit.
去死吧
It’s like, “Fuck this.”
我不要再偷吃了
I am done cheating.
说实话 我非常喜欢骚♥穴♥ 但我更热爱和平
I’m… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more.
和平比骚♥穴♥更有力量