就如《星际迷航》 将心志从这个狗♥娘♥养♥的身上转移
That’s right, like Star Trek. Just telepath out this motherfucker.
有的男人以为妻子的心还在自己身上
There’s guys that think they with they wife right now.
即便她在几个月前已经离你而去
But no, nigga, she left you months ago.
她来是因为你有入场券
She just came ’cause you got tickets.
她的心不在你身上 而是在我身上
She ain’t with you. She with me.
年龄越大 越长智慧 听我说
Oh, man, the older you get, the more shit you learn. One thing…
说到世界上的黑帮势力
the gangster-est shit in the world.
家庭主妇比任何人更懂何谓霸道
You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter,
聪明和权力
nothing more powerful than a housewife.
家庭主妇是世界上最聪明的混帐东西
Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth.
很多人以为 只有职业女性有脑袋 错了
People think it’s the working woman. No.
鲁蛇才工作
Suckers work.
That’s right.
没错
聪明人会找其他人为他们工作
Smart people find other people to work for them.
没错…有个电视节目 叫《亚特兰大贵妇的真实生活》
That’s right. That’s right. They got the Housewives of Atlanta.
原来亚特兰大的臭婊♥子♥ 都不需要工作
They don’t got the working bitches of Atlanta.
谁想看这种节目？
Nobody would watch that show.
家庭主妇都是狗♥娘♥养♥的
No, a housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy.
因为她们会说服丈夫说…
‘Cause the housewife has convinced the husband…
房♥子也有他的份
that it’s his house, too.
现今许多男人以为自己拥有一间房♥子
There’s a lot of guys in here right now, think they own a house.
也以为房♥子有他们的份 错了
Think it’s they house too. No.
她几年前就把房♥子占为己有了
She took that house years ago.
孩子也有份
And the kids were in on it.
没错
That’s right.
家庭主妇都是狗♥娘♥养♥的混帐东西 家庭主妇的闲时比较多
That’s right, the housewife’s a bad motherfucker.
‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right.
因此在人夫回到家前 家庭主妇会先和孩子们
So, before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together
彩排一遍
and they rehearse a little play…
等人夫回到家之后表演给他看
that they do when Daddy get home.
“爸爸在五分钟后到家 记得你的台词吗？”
It’s like, “Ok, Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?”
“爸爸 我好想你啊” 妈妈说：“很好…
“I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good.
爸爸一踏进家门 你就马上说出口
You say that soon as he walk in, ok?
记得要抓住他的腿 别放手
I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go.
I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken.
然后我会给他切一块鸡肉
等他睡着后 房♥子又回到我们手上了”
And when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house.”
That’s right, fellas. You don’t own a house.
各位男同胞 你们没有房♥子
跟个女人住在同一个屋檐下 代表你没有房♥子
If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house.
房♥子是她的
That is her fucking house.
只有单身男人才拥有资产 懂吗？
Only man that owns anything is a single man, ok?
各位男同胞 你们大可做个测试 假如你认为自己
And fellas, here’s the test, right now. If you really think…
拥有一间房♥子 不妨做个测试
you own a house, this the test.
各位男同胞 今晚回到家后
Ok, fellas, tonight when you go home,
你们试试…
I want you to try….
我要你们试试…
I want you to try….
各位男同胞 今晚回到家后 我要你们试试…
Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try…
把你们母亲的照片挂在墙上
to hang up a picture of your mother.
反正是自己的房♥子 不是吗？
It’s your house, right?
试试看
Give it a shot.
“那是什么玩意？” 你说：“我母亲的照片”
“What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.”
“我不喜欢这个相框”
[tsks] “I don’t like that frame.”
You’ll never see that picture again.
后来你再也看不见那张照片了
也许在你母亲的丧礼上
Maybe at your mother’s funeral.
她会说：“看看我找到了什么”
She’ll go, “Look what I found.”
狗♥娘♥养♥的
Motherfucker.
各位女士 如果你嫁了个好丈夫
Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband,
无所谓 看紧他
got a good man, hold on tight.
不然会被其他女人抢走
Another woman will take your husband.
她们会抢走他的
They’ll take him.
现场有些女人的丈夫就曾被抢走
There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands.
你们知道我指谁
You know who you are.
心想：“那个贱♥人♥说过会保密的”
You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.”
没错 抓紧他 不然会被另一个女人抢走
That’s right. Hold tight or another woman will take your man.
各位男同胞
Fellas,
你们不需要担心这回事
you don’t gotta really worry about that.
没有人会抢走你们的太太
Nobody’s taking your wife.
别误会了 他们会跟你们太太上♥床♥
Oh, don’t get me wrong. They’ll fuck your wife.
他们会操个够
Oh, they’ll fuck her good.
床上功夫比你们好多了
They’ll fuck her better than you.
但他们不会把她带走
But they not gonna take her.
没有男人会说：“我希望她的叫♥床♥声 和跟她丈夫在一起时一样
There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him.”
我想住进一间 没有我母亲照片的房♥子里”
“I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.”
他们跟她上♥床♥以后就把她还给你了
Oh, they’ll fuck her, and then they’ll return her.
“你的女人掉了
“I believe this is yours.”
她让我感到自己有罪”
“Bitch had me feeling bad about myself.”
天啊 我搞砸了 我离婚了
Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man.
你们不会希望经历这种事
You don’t want no parts of this shit, man.
都是我的错 我是个狗♥娘♥养♥的混♥蛋♥
And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just…
I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband.
我并不是个好丈夫
我不是个好丈夫 我不懂得聆听
I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen.
我坏心眼
I wasn’t kind.
这是真的…
True. True. You know?
我自以为是的认为，我挣钱养家
You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything.
就可以为所欲为
I could do what I want.”
挽救不了婚姻
That shit don’t fucking work.
天啊 我就是那坨屎
You know, I just thought I was the shit, man.
我不愿意打铃鼓
Uh, I didn’t play the tamborine.
你们都得学会打铃鼓 每个人都要有这个本事
You gotta play the tamborine. Everybody gotta play the tamborine.
我出轨了
I cheated.
这是真的 我可不是在吹牛 我在巡演期间出轨了
Yeah. I’m serious. I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was, like, on the road.
我和三个不同的女人搞在一起
You know, I end up sleeping with three different women.
搞砸了
It’s, like, fucked up.
你们知道什么叫“搞砸了”吗？ 男人出轨…
You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat…
是为了寻找新鲜感
it’s like, we want something new.
为了寻找新鲜感
We want something new, right?
接下来发生什么事？被太太发现了
But, then, you know what happens? Your woman finds out.
如今她变了个人
And now she’s new.
不再和以前一样了
She’s never the same again.
我们男人也变了 但变得更糟
So, now you got new, but you got a bad new.
天啊 我们变得更糟
You know? You got bad fucking new, man.
现场的女人心想…
And I know every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man?
“去死吧 克里斯 你到底在搞什么？
不会吧？你不是好好的吗？
You? I thought you was alright. You?
别闹了 克里斯 你到底在搞什么？ 男人到底怎么了？”
Come on, Chris.
What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with men?”
我知道在场许多女人都在想什么
I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now.
在场每个女人都在想： “去死吧 克里斯”
Every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris.”
而在场每个男人都在想：“三个？
And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?”
就这么几个？才三个而已？
“That’s it? Just three?
天啊 老兄
God damn, nigga.
我在UPS快递公♥司♥上班 炮♥友♥都要比你多
I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that.
你才三个而已？
Three?
你肯定很爱你的太太
You must’ve really loved your wife.
你是个浪漫的男人”
You a romantic.”
天啊 你们不会想要经历离婚这回事
Yo, you don’t wanna get divorced, man.
这可不是开玩笑的
This shit is no joke, man.
我必须争取孩子的抚养权
Had to go through a custody fight for my kids.
仅仅为了日后可以见到孩子
Just to see my kids, man.
离婚并不好玩
That shit’s fucked up, man.
首先
First of all,
没有男人愿意走进家事法庭
you don’t wanna be a man in family court.
尤其作为一个黑人 我们不想走进任何形式的法庭
And you don’t wanna be a black man in any court.
即便是黑人法官 也要带着律师上法庭
Ok, even the black judge comes to work with his lawyer.
而且他整天都会穿着官袍
And he keeps his robe on all day.
官袍后面还写着“法官”两个大字
And writes “Judge” on the back.
避免旁人把他误认为 一个披着长袍的黑鬼
Just in case somebody thinks it’s a nigga with a cape.
“那是个披着长袍的黑鬼吗？”
“Is that a nigga with a cape?”
“不是 他就是法官”
“Nope, just a judge.”
天啊 那天我在法庭上吓坏了
Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man.
尤其当你不清楚 以后是否还能见到孩子那刻
Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids.
我希望处理离婚的过程不会出差错
You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth, you know?
于是我在前妻家附近买♥♥了一间房♥子