BJ单身日记

一切始于新年当天
It all began on New Year’s Day…
我第32个单身的年头
in my thirty-second year of being single.
又一次 我独自一人
Once again, I found myself on my own…
参加我母亲一年一度的咖喱火鸡自助餐会
and going to my mother’s annual turkey curry buffet.
每年 她都会试图给我介绍
Every year, she tries to fix me up…
一些毛发浓密 令人厌烦的中年人
with some bushy-haired, middle-aged bore…
恐怕今年也不例外
and I feared this year would be no exception.
你来了 宝贝
There you are, dumpling.
我妈妈
My mum…
是一个奇怪的生物 来自一个
a strange creature from the time…
利用腌黄瓜决定一个人成熟程度的年代
when a gherkin was still the height of sophistication.
花边桌垫在哪 帕梅 你好 布丽姬特
Doilies, Pam? Hello, Bridget.
从上往下数第3个抽屉里 乌娜
Third drawer from the top, Una.
在小腌黄瓜下面
Under the mini gherkins.
对了 达西一家到了 马克也来了
By the way, the Darcys are here. They brought Mark with them.
这就开始了
Ah, here we go.
你记得马克吧
You remember Mark.
你以前在他的戏水池里玩过
You used to play in his paddling pool.
他现在是一名律师 阔绰的很
He’s a barrister. Very well off.
不 我不记得了
No, I don’t remember.
显然 他现在离婚了
He’s divorced, apparently.
他妻子是日本人 真是残酷的种族
His wife was Japanese. Very cruel race.
你打算穿什么
Now, what are you going to put on?
就这些
This.
别犯傻了 布丽姬特
Oh, don’t be silly, Bridget.
你要是这么一副
You’ll never get a boyfriend…
刚从奥斯维辛出来的样子 永远也找不到男朋友
if you look like you’ve wandered out of Auschwitz.
快上楼去
Now, run upstairs.
我在你床上放了不少漂亮衣服
I’ve laid out something lovely on your bed.
BGM: Can’t Take My Eyes Off You by Andy Williams
♪ You’re just too good to be true ♪
♪ Can’t take my eyes off of you ♪
棒极了 我把地毯穿在了身上
Great. I was wearing a carpet.
她来了
There she is.
我的小布丽姬特
My little Bridget.
你好 乔弗里叔叔
Hi, Uncle Geoffrey.
-喝酒了吗 -没有
– Had a drink? – No.
没有吗 那来吧
No? Come on, then.
其实并不是我叔叔
Actually, not my uncle.
只是个坚持让我叫叔叔的怪咖
Someone who insists I call him uncle…
同时还摸我屁♥股♥
while he gropes my ass…
并提出令所有单身狗都害怕的问题
and asks me the question dreaded by all Singletons.
所以 你的爱情生活如何
So… how’s your love life?
非常好 谢谢 乔叔叔
Super. Thanks, Uncle G.
还是单身吗 我不明白
Still no fellow, then, eh? I don’t know.
你们这些事业女性 不能拖一辈子啊
You career girls. Can’t put it off forever.
时间不等人噢
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
-你好 爸爸 -你好 亲爱的
– Hello, Dad. – Hello, darling.
怎么样了
How’s it going?
折磨
Torture.
你母亲想给你介绍个离异男人
Your mother’s trying to fix you up with some divorcee.
人♥权♥律师 显然是很讨厌的人
Human-rights barrister. Pretty nasty beast, apparently.
叮咚
Ding-dong.
或许这次妈妈找对了人
Maybe this time Mum had got it right.
来吧 我们去问问马克喜欢腌黄瓜吗
Come on. Why don’t we see if Mark fancies a gherkin?
祝你好运
Good luck.
马克
Mark?
或许这就是我等待一生
Maybe this was the mysterious Mr. Right…
只为遇见的那位神秘的真命天子
I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet.
你记得布丽姬特吧
You remember Bridget.
或许并不是
Maybe not.
她小时候经常光着身子
She’s used to run around your lawn…
在你家草坪上到处跑呢 记得吗
with no clothes on, remember?
不 不记得这件事了
Uh, no, not as such.
来看看你的肉汁 帕梅
Come and look at your gravy, Pam.
我觉得需要过滤一下
I think it’s going to need sieving.
肯定不需要过滤的
Of course it doesn’t need sieving.
搅拌一下就好了 乌娜
Just stir it, Una.
好的 我马上过去
Yes, of course. I’ll be right there.
抱歉 结块的肉汁需要拯救
Sorry. Lumpy gravy calls.
♪ Let me love you ♪
-所以… -所以
– So… – So.
你待在父母家过的新年吗
You staying at your parents’ for New Year?
是的
Yes.
-你呢 -我没有
– You? – Oh, no, no, no.
我昨晚在伦敦参加了一场派对
I was in London at a party last night…
恐怕现在还宿醉未消
so I’m afraid I’m a bit hung over.
多希望能像正常人一样
Wish I could be lying with my head in the toilet…
把头栽到马桶里
like all normal people.
新年新决心 少喝酒
New Year’s resolution… drink less.
还有戒烟
Oh, and quit smoking.
还要遵守新年立下的决心
And keep New Year’s resolutions.
还有…
Oh. And…
别再和陌生人胡说八道
stop talking total nonsense to strangers.
事实上 别说话 什么都别说
In fact, stop talking, full stop.
是的 或许该吃东西了
Yes, well, perhaps it’s time to eat.
♪ I need you, baby ♪
显然
Apparently…
她住的地方离你很近
she lives just ’round the corner from you.
母亲 我不需要相亲
Mother, I do not need a blind date.
尤其是和那种说话不知分寸的老姑娘
Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster…
闻着是个老烟枪 饮酒如牛
who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish…
穿衣打扮像个大妈一样
and dresses like her mother.
真好吃
Yummy.
咖喱火鸡
Turkey curry.
我的最爱
My favourite.
就是那时 在那里
And that was it. Right there.
就在那里 那一刻
Right there. That was the moment.
我突然意识到除非马上做出改变
I suddenly realized that unless some thing changed soon…
否则我未来的生活伴侣
I was going to live a life where my major relationship…
就只剩酒精了
was with a bottle of wine…
最终我会又胖又孤独地死去
and I’d finally die fat and alone…
死后三周才被人发现 被德国狼狗吃掉了大半
and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by Alsatians.
或者我将会变成
Or I was about to turn into
格伦·克洛斯在《致命诱惑》里的角色
Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction. ”
插足别人家庭的变♥态♥女人
BGM: All By Myself by Jamie O’Neal
♪孤独一人♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪不想再继续♪
♪ Don’t wanna be ♪
♪孤独一人♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪再也不想♪
♪ Anymore ♪
您没有留言
You have no messages.
♪在我年少轻狂时♪
♪ When I was young ♪
♪我不需要任何人♪
♪ I never needed anyone ♪
♪情情爱爱只当是儿戏♪
♪ And making’ love was just for fun ♪
♪美好时光已经一去不返♪
♪ Those days are gone ♪
♪孤独一人♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪不想再继续♪
♪ Don’t wanna be ♪
♪孤独一人♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪再也不想♪
♪ Anymore ♪
BJ单身日记
♪孤独一人♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪再也不想一个人…♪
♪ Don’t wanna live… ♪
所以我痛下决心
And so I made a major decision.
我要确保明年结束时
I had to make sure that next year…
我不会满脸沮丧地听着
I wouldn’t end up shit-faced and listening to sad FM…
电台为中年人放的轻音乐
easy-listening for the over-thirties.
体重 62公斤
我决心要掌控自己的生活
I decided to take control of my life…
吸烟量 42根
开始记日记
and start a diary…
饮酒量 50
讲述有关布丽姬特·琼斯的真♥相♥
to tell the truth about Bridget Jones…
全部的真♥相♥
the whole truth.
第一个决心
Resolution number one…
显然要瘦掉9公斤