单身日记：好孕来袭

比如生儿育女或入侵伊♥拉♥克♥
invading Iraq without any instruction at all.
我一直在想 这么多年来我喝的所有酒
I keep thinking all the alcohol I’ve drunk over the years…
会不会导致胎儿患上酒精综合症
will give the baby fetal alcohol syndrome.
这些都是我能做的
These are the things I could do.
告诉马克关于杰克的存在
Tell Mark about Jack…
但可能太伤他的心 导致我承受不了
but risk hurting him so badly I couldn’t live with myself.
不告诉马克关于杰克的存在
Not tell Mark about Jack,
那我永远也不会心安
but I’d never be able to go through with it.
告诉他们两个 另一个人才是父亲
Tell both of them the other one is the father
然后 不是父亲的那个人就会伤心
and then if the one who isn’t the father is upset about it…
天啊 干脆不告诉任何人直接跑路吧
Oh Christ. Tell no-one and make a run for it.
-你好 -你好 我是你孩子的父亲
– Hello? – Hey, it’s the father of your child.
-杰克 -是呀 不然还是谁
– Jack? – Yeah, who else?
上来吧
Come up.
好的
Ok.
糟糕糟糕 他可能雇了
Oh fuck fuck fuck. He’s probably employed
一整队谷歌♥地球侦探来找我
a team of Google Earth detectives to find me.
表现得自然点
Okay, just act naturally.
-请进 -好的
– Come in. – Okay.
-你找到了 -穿上看看合不合脚
– You found it. – Try it on, see if it fits.
-我没想到你会来 -我本来不打算来的
– I didn’t expect to see you. – I wasn’t expecting to come.
我不习惯被拒绝 还是两次
I’m not used to being rejected. Twice.
我希望你的包里有蛋糕
I hope you’ve got cake in that bag.
话说 我最近想了很多
Yeah, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.
布丽姬特 孩子的事一开始让我震撼得不知所措
Bridget, the whole baby situation threw me initially.
我们把整个恋爱关系压缩到了一个晚上
We’ve squashed an entire relationship into one night…
然后直接跳到了组建家庭阶段
and skipped straight to starting a family phase.
我们从来没有真正的第二次约会
We never even had a real second date.
如果有的话
Just so you know if we did,
我会带你去奥托伦吉餐馆
I would have taken you to Ottolenghi.
你会点烤鲑鱼和松子汁
You would have had the grilled salmon and pine nuts salsa.
非常美味和健康
Unbelievable and healthy.
然后我们回到这儿
And we would have come back here…
享受美妙的性♥爱♥
have incredible sex…
在接下来的几天里给对方发下流的短♥信♥
spent the next couple of days sending each other filthy texts.
我可不会让你在第二次约会就那样做的
I would not have let you do that on a second date.
为何不 第一次约会你就准了
Why not. You let me on the first.
然后我们去海边度过一个美好的周末
And then we’d go on a naughty weekend to the seaside…
为你赢得一个可爱的玩具来证明我的男子气概
and I would prove my manliness by winning you a cuddly toy…
在码头
at the pier.
我真的很想要那个大的史酷比
I really wanted the giant Scooby-Doo.
没人能赢到那个
Oh, no-body wins that.
椰子是粘在上面的
The coconuts are glued on.
-那些是干什么的 -用来道歉的
– What are those for? – To apologise.
我们第一次吵架
We had our first fight.
我没有和那个女服务员调情
I was not flirting with that waitress.
她对我来说没有任何意义
She means nothing to me.
然后我会
And then I would have…
买♥♥瑞典家具回来组装
bought Swedish furniture for us to make.
如果我们可以完成这个
If we can get through this,
-那就没有什么可以难倒我们 -任何事
– we can get through anything. – Anything.
你紧张时 脖子会变红 我觉得很可爱
I find it adorable how your neck gets all blotchy when you get nervous.
我知道你是我的孩子最好的母亲
And I know you’d be the greatest possible mother to my child.
不不不 不能爱上闪亮的新美国人
Oh no, can not fall in love with shiny new American.
我明天肯定会告诉他们两个
I’ll tell them both tomorrow, definitely.
嗨 我只是想确认一下
Hi. I just wanted to connect,
展演进展得如何了
check how the presentation is shaping up.
非常好 尽在掌控中
Yeah, totally on top of it,
榨取一切劲爆新闻
NutriBulleting the shit out of it.
就靠你了 布丽姬特
I’m relying on you, Bridget.
我需要你把这件事情做好 明白吗
I need you to get this right. Understand?
明白 交给我吧
100 percent. You can count on me.
非常好
Great.
你没事吧
You alright?
我没事
I’m fine.
祝贺 很高兴看到你们又在一起了
Big celebration. I’m so glad to see you back together.
-当然 詹尼 -真是好消息
– It certainly is, Gianni. – Wonderful news, huh?
干杯
Cheers.
我想给孩子取名叫杰克
I was thinking about Jack.
前提是生的是男孩 用我爷爷的名字
If it’s a boy, after my grandfather.
这是好名字 意味着坚强
It’s a good strong name.
杰克总是值得信赖的
You can rely on Jack.
是的 备选之一
Yes, one for the list.
-敬杰克 -敬杰克
– To Jack. – To Jack.
我想这是爸爸
So this is dad, I presume.
很高兴你能来 这是一个独特而美好的时刻
So glad you’re here. It’s a unique and wonderful moment.
罗林斯医生 你能不能帮我一个忙
Dr. Rawlings, I wonder if you could maybe do me a little favor.
我想这就是爸爸 很高兴见到你
So this is dad, I presume. Pleased to meet you.
很高兴你能来
I’m so glad you could be here.
这真是一个独特而美好的时刻
This is a unique and wonderful moment.
在我们开始之前 你想知道孩子的性别吗
Before we start, would you like to know the sex?
我们应该提前做好准备
We should be prepared.
-我不太确定 -是个男孩
– I’m not sure… – It’s a boy.
-男孩 -男孩
– A boy. – A boy.
我们的儿子
Our boy.
我的儿子
My boy.
够了 这次我必须告诉他们了
Okay, right. This time I have to tell them.
先告诉杰克吧
We’ll start with Jack.
已经邀请他参加一个大型可怕的工作展演
Have invited him for big scary work presentation
伦敦媒体展
之后解释所有的事情
and will explain all afterwards.
时事新闻
欢迎大家前来
Welcome.
在这个数码时代 每个手♥机♥都是一个摄像机
In a digital age where every cell phone is a camera,
我们都是新闻主持人
we are all broadcasters.
《时事新闻》正在与伦敦媒体展合作
“Hard News” is partnering with the London Media Show…
这样你就可以用你的智能手♥机♥
so you can use your smartphone
创建你自己的新闻广播频道
to create your own news broadcasting channel.
只需下载全新的”时事新闻”软件
Simply download the new ‘Hard News’ app
直接转播到我们的演播室
and broadcast directly to our studios in…
米兰达在那里等待我们的第一次现场直播
where Miranda is waiting for our first ever live simulcast.
大家好 这里是伦敦媒体展的直播现场
Hello everyone, live at the London Media Show.
欢迎来到崭新的《时事新闻》演播室
And welcome to the new look of ‘Hard News’ studio.
我们是现场直播 我们的观众也正在直播
We are live and yes, our viewers are broadcasting.
现在我们将视角转向格兰坪国家公园
Right. Let’s now go to the Grampians…
亚当·沃拉斯顿带领的
where Adam Wollaston is leading
一支探险队登上了本尼维斯山的山顶
a team of Venture Rangers to the top of Ben Nevis.
你好 亚当·沃拉斯顿
Hello, Adam Wollaston.
《时事新闻》真操”蛋”
“Hard News” sucks balls.
-我的天 -天呐
– Jesus. – Oh dear.
让我们把这个新闻故事抛之脑后吧
Well, let’s put that news story firmly behind us.
技术故障
Technical glitch.
当然 给节目发电子邮件或发短♥信♥不容易
Of course it’s never been easier to email or text the show.
只需搜索”时事新闻”
Just search “Hard News”
或者字母H
Or simply H.
因为
Because…
正在重启
因为
Be…cause…
天哪 他跑来这里干什么
Holy fuck. What’s he doing here?
因为在《时事新闻》 我们相信
Because at “Hard News”, we believe…
我们相信我们已经准备好 站在第一线
We believe that we are ready and on the front line…
提出全世界希望得到答案的问题
asking the questions the world wants answers to.
布丽姬特·琼斯 搜索记录
怎么让大腿看起来更瘦
我怎样才能炒掉我的老板
我怎样才能炒掉我的老板
快转过去看看
Turn around.
布丽姬特·琼斯 搜索记录
我怎样才能炒掉我的老板
性感帅哥
谢谢大家
Thank you.
这下好了 工作毁了
Okay. Career down the toilet.
两个男人同时都在这儿
Both men in the same room.
还能有什么更糟的
What could possibly go wrong?
我希望你不介意我到这儿来给你惊喜
I hope you don’t mind me just showing up and surprising you.