单身日记：好孕来袭

我觉得我现在有点傻
And, umm, I’m feeling a bit foolish, right now.
应该说很窘迫 没错 窘迫
Mortified, actually. Yes, mortified.
我想优雅地先行离开 可以吗
I’d like to just retreat, gracefully?
奎特先生 可以给我的书签个名吗
Mr. Qwant, will you sign my book?
老天 我都没说他可能不是孩子他爸
Oh God. I didn’t even tell him that he may not be the only daddy.
嘿 大主持人 我得跟你聊聊
Hey, Kitty Kirk, I need to talk to you.
如果DNA显示孩子是杰克的怎么办
What if this DNA turns out to be Jack’s?
我不想孩子他爸是杰克
I don’t want the father to be Jack.
我压根不了解杰克 如果是马克·达西的呢
I don’t even know Jack. And what if it’s Mark Darcy’s?
老天爷 那我就得跟他坦白
Christ. I’ll have to confess to him
我是个用环保避孕套的荡♥妇♥
that I’ve been a whore with dolphin condoms.
很好
Good.
-宝宝还好吗 -很健康
– So the baby’s ok? – Perfect.
看到吗
See?
我的天 这就是宝宝吗
Oh my God. Is that it?
-它还好吗 -非常健康 茁壮成长
– And it’s alright? – Sound as a bell. Cooking Nicely.
你听
Have a listen.
好了
There you are.
我帮你录音了 你可以先看着
I’ve recorded that for you. You can watch that for a moment.
很高兴你决定做羊膜穿刺了
So glad you decided on the amniocentesis.
你好啊
Hello you.
那是你的耳朵 还是脚脚
Is that your ear or your foot?
你的脚脚好大啊
You have got very big feet.
看看你 已经会挥手了
Oh, look at you. Waving already.
你是我见过最美好的东西
You’re the best thing I’ve ever seen.
我保证我会尽全力
I promise I’ll try my best.
所以你就好好安心地待在里面
So just stay safe and snug in there…
妈妈会去解决外面的一切 希望能…
while I try and sort the mess out here. And hopefully…
那他妈的是什么
What the fuck is that?
这是做羊膜穿刺的针
It’s the amniocentesis needle.
只要把它刺入 取一些羊水
We just pop it in, take a little amniotic fluid,
检查一下有没有异常
test it for any abnormalities…
同时提取你要的DNA样本
and also the DNA sample that you require.
有非常非常小的可能性会流产
Now, there is the slightest risk of miscarriage
所以你千万不要动
so you’ll have to stay very still indeed…
-因为我们不希望刺到… -什么
– because we don’t want the needle to come into contact… – What?
不不 我不要冒这个险
No, no. I’m not taking that chance.
这针也太长了 都能从另一边穿出来了
It’s enormous. It’d go straight through the other side.
走吧宝宝 我带你回家
Come on, I’m taking you home.
你妈妈一定会高兴坏了
Your mother will be over the moon.
你能不能答应我先不要告诉她
Will you promise not to tell her?
-暂时先别 -当然 我答应
– Just not yet. – No, of course. I promise.
爸爸 我真的很抱歉 我不知道孩子他爸是谁
I’m really sorry, dad, not to know about the father.
别傻了
Don’t be daft.
我认识好多不知道亲生父母是谁的人
I know dozens of people who could have been anybodys.
你不觉得失望吗
So you’re not disappointed?
你不觉得我奇葩到能上杰里·斯普林格的节目吗
You don’t think I belong on Jerry Springer?
才不呢 我很高兴
Not a bit, I’m thrilled.
实际上我都不确定你是我的孩子
Actually I’m not sure if you’re mine
还是保龄球俱乐部那个帅气中校的孩子
or that nice lieutenant colonel who’s ’round the bowls club.
开玩笑的
Only joking.
你的脚和我的一样 都是非常娇小的脚
You’ve got my feet. I’ve always had very dainty feet.
说实话吧 布丽姬特
Just tell the truth, Bridget.
把实话说出来 就不会错得太离谱
You can’t go too far wrong, telling the truth.
马克 我有个激动人心的消息告诉你
Mark, I have some exciting news.
马克 我有个很滑稽的故事跟你说
Mark, I have the funniest story to tell you.
马克 我怀孕了
Mark, I’m up the duff.
女士们 先生们
My lords, my ladies.
今天这里只有一桩诈骗案
There is only one fraud committed here today and it is this.
就是利用一个国家的法律
To use the laws of one country
来剥夺另一个国家的言论自♥由♥
to destroy the freedom of speech of another.
这事一种自私的政♥治♥权宜之计
A cynical political expedient to take away the right
剥夺了这些勇敢的年轻女性
of these brave young women to speak the truth
为她们所热爱的国家发声的权利
about the country they love.
你也许并不欣赏她们的音乐 这我不怪你们
Now you may not like their music and for that I cannot blame you.
她们可能还没有掌握基本的乐理知识
They may not have mastered the fundamentals of melody…
甚至也没有最基础的音乐才能
or even the most basic tenents of musicianship.
但这是一片
but this is the land of
孕育出莎士比亚 奥威尔 劳伦斯的土地
Shakespeare, Orwell, Lawrence …
我差点忘了他穿大袍 戴假发的样子有多帅了
I’d forgotten just how hot he is in that wig and gown.
…对于任何国家 任何统治者
… to any country, any ruler,
任何专♥制♥者都是如此 而在英国
any despot, that here in the United Kingdom…
我们都将永远捍卫和保护
we will always defend and protect women
像她们这样无私且勇敢的女性…
such as these who have selflessly and courageously…
冒着失去自♥由♥甚至生命的危险
risked their liberty and quite possibly their lives…
只为了说出真♥相♥
to tell the truth.
现在休庭 稍后将作出判决
The court will now adjourn and judgement will be given…
伯纳妮 伯纳妮 伯纳妮加油
Poonani! Poonani! Power to the Poonani!
天哪 真是等不及要回到
Christ. Looking forward to going back
老式种族灭绝的时代
to some good old fashioned genocide.
秩序
Order.
-伯纳妮 伯纳妮 伯纳妮 -肃静
– Poonani! Poonani! Poonani! – Silence!
好的 要怎么告诉他呢
Right. How to do this?
没想到在洗礼仪式过后还能见到你
I didn’t expect to see you again after the events at the christening.
糟糕 他开门见山了
Crap. He’s dived right in.
是啊 我懂的
No, right. I understand.
好吧 也许奉承会有用
OK, maybe flattery will work.
你今天表现得很好
You were very impressive in there today.
多谢夸奖
Thank you.
尽管过去一个月与她们打交道
Although dealing with them over the last month
让我产生了一定程度的同情
has given me a certain amount of sympathy…
憎恶那些想让她们闭嘴的极权主义独♥裁♥者
for the totalitarian dictator who wants to silence them.
好吧 笑话 下次我会笑得更夸张些
Okay, jokes. I’ll laugh harder next time.
只有在特定的时间内
There’s only a certain number of times
才能听到那些
that one can listen to the…
一点也不朗朗上口的”月经 阉♥割♥ 解放”
resolutely un-catchy “Menstruation, Castration, Liberation.”
马克 真好笑
Mark, that’s hilariously funny.
请坐
Please.
说吧
So.
马克
So, Mark.
我在
Yes.
-花♥园♥很漂亮 秋意浓浓 -是的
– The gardens look lovely. Autumnal. – Yes.
-那是七叶树吗 -布丽姬特
– Is that a conker tree? – Bridget.
我怀孕了
I am pregnant.
好吧 那恭喜你了
Right. Well, congratulations.
有什么要我帮忙的吗
How can I help?
我怀孕三个月了
I’m three months pregnant.
你是说洗礼仪式那次吗
You mean the christening?
行吧
Alright.
失陪一下
Would you excuse me for just a moment.
我认为这可能是我一生中
I think that this is quite possibly the most wonderful
收到的最美好的信息
piece of information I have ever received in my entire life.
好吧
Ok.
当然 我完全不知道接下去会怎么样
Of course I’ve got no expectations for how things should work out.
我只是觉得你应该知道
I just thought you should know.
是的 我知道
No, of course.
你感觉怎么样 你开心吗
I mean, how do you feel? Are you happy?
是的 我很开心
Yes, I am.
在过去的十年里发生了很多事情
So much has happened in the past ten years.
很多事情都变了
A lot has changed.
你结过婚 而我…
I mean, you’ve been married, and I’ve been…
度过了很多漫长的假期
on a number of long haul holidays.
但是 现在是时候提杰克了
But… So here goes on Jack.
-我是说 -我都知道
– I mean… – I know about it.
只是此时此刻 我不想为这大喜事增添不愉快
It’s just right now I can’t bring myself to feel gloomy about it.
天哪 我现在怎么说得出口
God, how can I tell him now.
紧急状态 睡不着
State of emergency. Cannot sleep.
各种想法在头脑中不断循环
Looping thoughts going round and round in head.
这真的很奇怪 人可以在
It’s surely weird that you can do something
没有任何指示的情况下做一些复杂而又重要的事情
as complicated and important as growing a baby or