单身日记：好孕来袭

你好 凯茜 很高兴认识你
Hi, Cathy, nice to meet you.
我在想 给你化个简单的紫红色眼影
I was thinking, just a simple magenta eyeshadow…
来凸显你的眼睛 再涂点口红 如何
to make your eyes pop and a little bit of rouge, maybe?
开玩笑的啦
Kidding.
你真幽默
You funny.
你这里有根白头发
You do happen to have a little stray gray hair.
老天
Oh, Jesus.
好了
That’s it.
事实上这里还有一撮白头发 让我看看
Actually, there’s a whole gray patch. Shall I just… let me see?
-好啊 我头上好多白头发 -搞定了
– Yes, my hair is full of gray hair. – Well, that’s sorted.
-老天爷啊 -全没了 很好
– Jesus Christ. – All gone, that’s lovely.
你这匹银狐的指甲
These fingernails on this silver fox
好像也需要修剪一下 是吧
could do with a bit of a trim, couldn’t they?
这双手一看就没做过什么粗活吧
These hands haven’t experienced much manual labour, have they?
-没有 我是个数学家 -摸上去很柔软
– No, I’m a mathematician. – They’re silky soft.
跟我说说 杰克
Tell me, Jack.
你喜欢中国菜吗
Do you happen to like Chinese food?
杰克 我带你去录制现场吧
Jack, let me take you to the set.
好的 谢谢 我挺喜欢的 谢谢你
Great, thank you. I do sometimes. Thank you.
她好像没给我化妆啊
I don’t think she put any makeup on me.
没事 你看上去光芒四射
It’s fine. You’re looking radiant.
开播倒计时 五
Ok, coming out of ET in five,
四 记得切换镜头
four… And remember the gear change.
米兰达 开始
And Miranda, cue.
我们请到了杰克·奎特
Now, though, I’m joined by Jack Qwant.
出身于巴尔的摩的一个单亲家庭
Raised by a single mother in Baltimore,
他创立了婚介网站「奎特佳缘」
he created the matchmaking website Qwantify…
并宣称找到了爱的算法
and he claims to have found an algorithm for love.
他今天将会和我们分享
And he’s here today to tell us
他的畅销书《奎特心动》
all about his number one bestseller Qwantum Leap ‘.
非常荣幸您能来我们的节目
It is absolutely wonderful to have you on our sofa today.
谢谢 能来这里是我的荣幸
Thank you. It’s great to be here.
我们等一下会聊聊你的新书
Now, we’ll talk all about your new book soon, obviously.
-是的 -但在那之前 我们先来聊聊爱情
– Yes. – But first let’s talk about romance.
「奎特佳缘」已经帮助数百万人找到真爱
Qwantify has found true love for millions.
-二号♥机 -你在这上面找到佳缘了吗
– Monitor two. – Does it work for you?
如果我回答这个问题 能回到新书的话题上吗
Now if I answer that can we go back and talk about the book?
或许吧
Maybe.
你能别在直播的时候和他聊骚吗
Can you please try not to shag him on air?
这是个猛料 让她多和他调情
This is dynamite. Tell her to flirt with him more.
有些人的初恋是法拉·弗西
Some people had their first crush on Farrah Fawcett.
-而我的初恋是一个算法 -他在顾左右而言他
– My first crush was an algorithm. – And we’ve lost him.
他要是继续说他的算法
If he carries on talking about algorithms
就把画面切换成长得像希♥特♥勒♥的猫
I’m putting to the VT of cats who look like Hitler.
切到四号♥机 棒极了 谢谢
Back to four. Love it, thank you!
他在回避问题 把话题从数学上引开
He’s avoiding the question. Get him off maths.
问他现在有没有对象
Ask him if he’s with someone now.
作为一个如此擅长牵线搭桥的人
For someone so good at match-making…
你的生活中是否有一个特别的她呢
is there a special someone in your life?
除了《唐顿庄园》的玛丽大小姐吗
Apart from Lady Mary on ‘Downton Abbey’?
我们现在可以聊新书了吗
Now can we go ahead and talk about the book?
-切希♥特♥勒♥猫 -不要回避问题
– Cue the Hitler cats. – Don’t be evasive.
请不要回避问题
Well, don’t be evasive.
显然你已经拥有了一切
It’s apparant you have everything.
为什么不组建家庭
Why have you chosen to have no family?
-为什么不组建家庭 -也不要孩子
– Why the decision to have no family? – No children.
-也不要孩子呢 -五号♥机 准备
– And no children? – Carema five, stand by.
很好 四号♥机推进拍特写
Brilliant. Zoom in on four.
-切四号♥机 -棒极了
– And in on four. – Love it.
我喜欢孩子
Look, I love kids…
但一想到要成为一个父亲
but I’ve always found the idea
我就觉得非常不知所措
of being a father myself kind of petrifying.
这也是我一直潜心算法的原因
Which is why I’ve been drawn to algorithms.
切希♥特♥勒♥猫
Cue the Hitler cats.
它们是理性 可靠 可预测的 而孩子不是
They’re rational, reliable, predictable, everything a kid isn’t.
-那你能有孩子吗 -那你能有孩子吗
– So, can you have children? – Can you have children, though?
你的”精”兵们还活跃吗
Are the soldiers working?
你的”精”兵们还活跃吗
Are the soldiers working?
应该吧 我的”长枪大炮”经常”操”练
Well I believe so. The barracks are in pretty regular use.
真的吗
Really?
-真的吗 -真的
– Really? – Yes.
对于一个掌握爱情算法的人来说…
Because for someone with a supposed algorithm for love…
你还没有找到真爱 是不是有点奇怪呢
Isn’t it odd that you’ve never found it?
我认为如果要找到某样东西
Well, I think in order to find something
你就必须积极去寻找
you have to be actively looking for it.
而我太忙了 我还没有…
I’ve just been too busy; I haven’t…
那奎特家的血统怎么样
What about the Qwant family bloodline?
那奎特家的血统怎么样
And what about the Qwant family bloodline?
有什么不可告人的秘密吗
Are there any skeletons in the closet?
-比如性变♥态♥ -比如性变♥态♥
– Sexual deviants? – Sexual deviants?
抱歉 我不知道你们到底是想问什么
Sorry, I don’t know where we’re going with all of this…
但我不得不说 我常常吸引错的人
but I have to tell you, I can attract the wrong type of women.
很好 谢谢你的分享
That’s really great. Thank you for sharing that with us.
操
Oh, fuck!
操 操 操
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
布丽姬特 你在做什么
Bridget, what are you doing?
你一定难以置信我遇到过哪些怪人
You wouldn’t believe some of the weirdos that cross my path.
-是吗 -起来
– Really? – Get up.
谁能告诉我她在做什么
Can you tell me what she’s doing?
问他一些关于算法的问题
Ask him something about algorithms.
最后一个问题 没时间了
Have to be the last question. Have to be.
最后 我们来聊聊算法
Lastly, algorithms.
好的
Yes.
-是什么让你对算法如此着迷 -背后的逻辑和
– What first attracted you to them? – The logic and…
很好 杰克·奎特 再次感谢到访我们的节目
Wonderful, Jack Qwant, thank you for coming on my sofa.
-希望你度过了愉快的时光 -天啊
– I hope you’ve had as much fun as I have. – Jesus.
今天的节目就到这里 再见
That’s it from me. Goodbye.
节目录得很棒
That was great.
你看上去很眼熟 我们是不是在哪见过
You look really familier, outside of being on the show.
-你用探探吗 -什么
– Are you on Tinder? – What?
-那我们就没见过 -好吧
– Then we won’t have met. – No, okay.
-没想到在这遇到你 -你好啊
– Well hey, how about seeing you here. – Hi.
-很高兴见到你 -我也很高兴见到你
– Great to see you. – Good to see you too.
我本来想去跟你打招呼的
I was going to come and find you to say hello,
但你也知道电视直播的现场很乱
but you know how live TV can be, so chaotic.
其实 你要联♥系♥我 有更简单的办法
Well, you know, there are easier ways to get in touch with me
没必要请我上全国性电视节目
without inviting me on national TV
打探我的精♥子♥情况
and asking me about my sperm.
什么 不是 那不是
What? No, that’s not what…
我一直在等你的电♥话♥
I would’ve liked to have heard from you.
那天早上我回来时发现你已经走了
I was disappointed when I came back that morning,
我很失落
and you were gone.
-是吗 -我们度过了很美好的一晚
– You were? – We had an amazing night.
我觉得你很棒
And I thought you were great.
至少在我成为十五个史上
At least I did until I became a clip…
最尴尬谈话节目剪辑之一前 我是这么认为的
of the 15 most embarrassing chat show moments of all time.
我真的很抱歉 那的确…
Really sorry about that. Yes that…
我不知道该怎么解释
I don’t know how to explain.
我怀孕了
I’m pregnant.
天哪 好吧
Wow. Okay.
总好过你精神不正常
It’s so much better than you being mentally unbalanced.
我怀孕十二周了
I’m about twelve weeks.
这样啊 天哪
Oh. Right. Wow.
-你是说 那次音乐节… -是的
– So you mean that… it’s the music festival? – Yes.
我知道这很意外 但是…
I know, it’s quite a surprise. Yes but…
我没事 而且 你应该知道
I’m fine, and umm… you should know that…
我并不 我并不希望从你这里得到什么
I don’t… I’m not looking for anything from you.
除了一份完整的DNA鉴定
Except for a complete DNA check
和一份我的就医记录
and a review of my medical records.
事实上 我并不想让你知道这事的 没错
Well, the thing is, I didn’t mean for you to find out about this. Yes.