单身日记：好孕来袭

They were a gift. Don’t ask.
翻滚的急流 飞溅的瀑布
Tumbling rapids, frothing waterfalls…
潺潺的小溪
babbling brook.
给我快点吧 布丽姬特
Oh, come the fuck on, Bridget.
你觉得需要多久
How long do you think it takes?
我觉得这是阳性结果
I think that’s a positive result.
怀孕
-我来确定一下 -别摇它
– I’ll just make sure. – Don’t shake it.
你会伤到宝宝的
You’ll hurt the baby.
宝宝又不在验孕棒里 布丽姬特
The baby is not in the stick, Bridget.
我觉得此时此刻你应该
I think this is when you’re meant to…
高兴得跳起来了
jump for joy.
-天哪 -天哪 你怀孕了
– Oh my God. – Oh my God. You’re pregnant.
-我怀孕了 -你怀孕了
– I’m pregnant. – You’re pregnant.
-我怀孕了 -你要有孩子了
– I’m pregnant. – You’re going to have a baby.
我要有孩子了
I’m going to have a baby.
-我要有孩子了 -喂
– I’m going to have a baby. – Yes.
如果你有她揍一匹马的视频 我想要
If you’ve got footage of her punching a horse, I want it.
-布丽姬特 你想要孩子吗 -我不知道
– Bridget, do you want a baby? – I don’t know.
我43岁了
I mean, I’m 43.
这也许是我唯一可能的机会
It might be the only chance I’m going to get.
一个破掉的过期安全套
Look, one broken, out of date condom
我可能还会相信是意外
I might have believed it was an acciddent.
但是两个的话
But two?
你想要孩子
You wanted it.
也许我是想要
Maybe I did.
能找位医生来吗
Can we get a medic please?
天哪 我怀孕了
Oh my God. I’m pregnant.
成为现实了
This is it.
更重要的问题是 是谁的孩子呢
More to the point, whose is it?
这个时刻和我想象中的不一样
This is not how I thought this moment would be.
我总是想象自己出现在八卦杂♥志♥中
I always imagined myself in ‘OK!’ magazine
和我的梦中情人一起
with the man of my dreams.
天哪 有太多需要思考的困境了
Oh Christ! Too many dilemmas to ponder.
尤其是…
Not least of all…
我在帐篷里上的那个男人是谁
Who was that man I shagged in a tent?
所以你的年龄是43岁
And so you’re age will be 43?
话说…
So, umm…
你认为我的那位绝世好男人
Which of the times with my wonderful man
是在哪个时间让我受孕的
do you think we got pregnant on?
这重要吗
Does it matter?
重要 这是一个非常特殊的时刻
Well, yes, it’s such a special moment.
我们想知道是哪一天 以便我们纪念
We’d like to know which one it is so we can treasure it.
-你们不能两天都纪念吗 -我们会的
– Can’t you treasure both of them? – Yes, we will, we do.
但肯定其中有一天比另一天可能性更大
But surely one of those days is more likely than the other?
事实上 第10天
Well, actually, day 10,
也就是他生日那天 有一点早
which was his birthday, is a little early.
-第16天是… -纪念日晚餐
– And day 16 which was the… – Anniversary dinner.
对的 烩小牛膝 我记得 那天有一点晚
Oh yes, the Osso Buco, I recall, is a little late.
你确定这中间没有其它的重要场合了吗
Are you sure there wasn’t another treasurable occasion in between?
是的 我很确定 他那段时间不在
Yes, I’m quite sure. He was away.
所以这两天你觉得是哪一天
So which of the two would you go for?
说不好 它们的可能性相同
Couldn’t say. They’re both equally likely.
有可能是在发生的那天之后
It could have been after the event.
因为你知道的
Because as you know,
精♥子♥在射出之后能存活数天
sperm can live for several days after ejaculation.
-你不能为我估计一下吗 -不能
– Couldn’t you just have a guess for me? – No.
那第一次超声波检查呢
What about the first scan?
能不能看出是什么时候受孕的
Would that show when conception took place?
不能 打这个电♥话♥确定检查日期
No. Ring this number to fix a date.
要把孩子父亲也带来
And do bring along the father,
如果你能搞明白他是谁的话
if you can work out which one he is.
好吧
Right.
好吧
Right.
只是好奇问问
Just out of interest…
如果有人对父亲是谁有那么一丝困惑的话
If someone did have an element of confusion about the father…
你可以在羊膜穿刺时得到DNA样本
Well, you can get a DNA sample at the amniocentesis,
我非常推荐你做羊膜穿刺
and I do recommend that you have the amniocentesis,
因为对于高龄妈妈来说总会有更高的风险
because there are always more risks with a geriatric mother.
高龄
Geriatric?
-这太过分了 -没错
– That’s outrageous. – Indeed.
除非你能同时获得
Unless you can sign on for
你的子女抚养费和退休养老金
your child support and pension at the same time.
这很好笑
That’s hilarious.
之所以叫”新”闻 是因为它应该感觉是新的
It’s called “News” ’cause it should feel new.
不然 就会叫”旧闻”
Otherwise, it be called “Olds”.
抱歉
Sorry.
昨晚 头条新闻
Last night. Top stories.
亚洲地震 以前看过了
Earthquake in Asia, seen it before.
M5公路车祸 之类之类的
Car crash on the M5… Blah blah blah
我们制♥造♥的是旧闻
We’re making ‘old’s.
我们需要转换思路 发散思维
We need to flip the switch, mix it up.
-我要榨出最新鲜的新闻 -她暴走了
– I want to NutriBullet the shit out of the news. – She’s on the warpath.
苏珊 那个现场指导走了
Susan, the floor manager’s gone.
她怀孕六个月了
She’s six months pregnant.
我们必须得吸引眼球 让观众锁定频道
We’ve got to grab the attention, get the eyes on the screen.
我想看到这样的头条
I want to see headlines
比如”你的沙发床会让你得癌症吗”
like: “Is Your Sofa Bed Giving You Cancer?”
“你的冰箱会让你患老年痴呆吗”
“Is Your Freezer Giving You Alzheimers?”
天哪 会吗
Oh my God. Are they?
严格来说没有任何证据
Literally no evidence whatsoever,
但你搞错了重点 你刚刚被吸引了 不是吗
but you’re missing the point. You’re intrigued, aren’t you?
我想让《时事新闻》带着新目标再出发
I want to reload ‘Hard News’ with a clear new objective.
我们十二周后要在伦敦媒体展上做展演
We have a presentation in twelve weeks at the London Media Show…
我要找一个思维活跃
and I’m looking for someone dynamic,
敢于创新 目标明确的人
innovative, focused…
来牵头这一工作 有人自愿吗
to lead the charge. Any volunteers?
不管现在发生什么 必须保住工作
Whatever happens now, must hold on to job.
必须要向法♥西♥斯♥老板证明 也许我是个单身妈妈
Must prove to fascist boss that I may be single mother…
但我愿意和怪异的胡子潮人一起紧跟潮流
but am willing to roll with the ironic bearded hipsters.
有人吗
Anybody at all?
你是要离场吗 布丽姬特
Do you need to leave, Bridget?
不 我想自愿报名
No, I want to volunteer.
话题#我们行动吧#
Hashtag “Let’s do this!”
是我 是我 快打开电视 快看电视
It’s me. It’s me. Turn on your TV now. Look at your TV.
快 快 快 打开4频道
Now. Now. Now. Turn on Channel 4.
布丽姬特 我找到他了 他是约会网站大♥师♥
Bridget, I’ve found him. He’s the dating website guru.
你必须相信科学 算法是不会骗人的
See, you have to trust the science. Algorithms don’t lie.
你睡了一个亿万富翁
You slept with a fucking billionaire.
告诉我们 布丽姬特
So, tell us, Bridget.
亿万富翁杰克·奎特
What was it that initially attracted you
最初吸引你的地方是什么
to the billionaire Jack Qwant?
是他的面孔 还是他的身材
Was it his face, or his body?
-显然我也会和他做的 -还是大老二
– I’d do it with him, obviously. – Big dick?
如果我是你 我不会告诉他们任何一个人
If I were you I wouldn’t tell either of them.
你需要的只是其中一个人的DNA样本
All you need is a DNA sample from one of them
然后就可以把另一个从你的调查中排除
and then you can eliminate the other one from your enquiries.
我要怎么对马克说呢
What would I say to Mark?
“你好 马克 我知道我趁你睡着时开溜了
“Hello Mark, I know I just left you asleep…
但我想你身边不会有任何血液 精♥子♥
but I don’t suppose you’ve got any blood, sperm
或者过去的指甲吧”
or old fingernails lying around? ”
你要怎么和杰克联♥系♥上呢
How do you even get in touch with Jack?
是啊
Yeah.
他是个大人物 不能直接给他打电♥话♥
He is a bloody mogul. Can’t just ring him up.
我或许想到了一个既能讨新老板欢心
I may have just figured out how to win favour with new boss…
又能确定谁是孩子亲爹的两全之策
and eliminate one father from my enquiries.
不得不说 布丽姬特 下一位嘉宾很让我兴奋
I have to say, Bridget, I’m actually excited by this next guest.
契合主题 自带热点 又超级帅 干得漂亮
Relevant, relatable, extremely fuckable. Good work.
欢迎收看《时事新闻之犯罪现场调查》
Welcome to CSI Hard News.
谢谢亲爱的 但你要是能滚开 就再好不过了
Thank you my love. If you could just fuck off that’d be great.
杰克 这位是凯茜 她会帮你做录制前准备
Jack, this is Cathy. She’ll get you ready.