单身日记：好孕来袭

God! I feel like my days of puppet shows are behind me.
我现在只有自己的手指”木偶”了
I’ve had finger puppets.
-他给你打电♥话♥了吗 -现在已经不这样了
– And has he called? – It doesn’t work like that any more.
你不过在音乐节约到了一个”耐用”的民谣歌♥手
You just hook up with rugged troubadors at music festivals…
没有任何约束
and there are no strings.
没有线[约束]的木偶
Puppets with no strings.
翅膀取下来 那是给小姑娘的
Take the wings off. They’re for little girls.
-喂 -你死哪里去了
– Hello? – Where the fuck are you?
在郊外小路上
Speeding through lovely countryside
飞奔去你的洗礼仪式
on our way to your christening.
我们没有 为什么布丽姬特阿姨要撒谎
No we’re not. Why is auntie Bridget lying?
布丽姬 我觉得应该告诉你 汤姆退出后…
Bridge, I thought you should know after Tom dropped out…
-吉尔斯请马克做孩子的教父 -怎么了
– Giles asked Mark to be the godfather. – What?
他请了谁
He did what?
我明白 他就是个没用的混♥蛋♥
Yes I know. He really is a useless cock.
没问我就擅自决定了
Did it without asking me.
我的天啊 又是马克·达西
Oh my God. Mark Darcy again.
我作为老剩女一周出现在教堂的两次都碰到他了
Twice in the space of a week I turn up at church as rent-a-spinster.
你死哪里去了
Where the fuck were you?
不好意思
Sorry.
各位早上好 欢迎各位的到来
Good morning and welcome.
这真是一点都不尴尬啊
Well, this isn’t embarrassing at all.
我和马克·达西抱着一个孩子站在圣坛边
Mark Darcy and I at the altar with a baby.
太温馨了
That’s lovely.
大家都笑得开心一些 看着我 谢谢
Ok, now, nice big smiles. Look at me. Thank you.
真棒
Lovely.
现在可以给教父教母单独拍一张吗
Ok, can I just get the godparents now please.
-你还好吗 -非常好 谢谢关心 你呢
– How are you? – Very well, thank you. How are you?
也挺好的 谢谢
Well, thank you.
你是和妻子一起来的吗 我记不得她的名字
Are you here with your wife? I can’t remember her name…
卡米拉 不 她今天有些事不能来
Camilla. No, eh, no, she couldn’t make it.
-你和谁一起来的吗 -不 不 今天没有
– Are you here with anyone? – No, no. Not today, no.
别这么严肃 又不是葬礼
Come on, it’s not a funeral.
两位可以笑一笑吗
Can I get a couple of smiles out of you two, please?
或者在她额头稍微亲一下
Maybe give her a little kiss you know, on the forehead, there.
我是说孩子的额头
Ah, I was talking about the baby.
真棒
Lovely.
-好了 -不出意外的话回头见
– Alright. – I’ll see you later, I shouldn’t wonder.
嗯 除非我趁人不注意带着小家伙溜了
Yes, unless I make a break for it with this thing.
今天还能变得更尴尬点吗
Could this day actually get any more awkward?
继续走 不要停 继续走
Just keep walking, keep walking, keep walking. Keep walking.
-你好 -你好
– Hello. – Hello.
-你好吗 -很好 谢谢
– How are you? – Very well, thanks.
-你好吗 -我挺好的
– How are you? – I’m fine.
我也是
So am I.
-那好 再见 -再见
– Well, goodbye. – Goodbye.
-一杯葡萄酒 -一杯威士忌
– A glass of wine. – A whiskey, please.
-很大很大杯 -双份
– Big, big glass. – Double.
谢谢
Thank you.
我倒是想请你一起跳
I’d ask you to join me,
但我敢肯定你不怎么喜欢《江南Style》
but I’m pretty sure you’re not a big Gangnam Style kind of guy.
-我在那里待的时间很短 -哪里
– I was only there very briefly. – Where?
江南
Gangnam.
-你在说的是什么 -江南 跳舞
– What are we talking about? – Gangnam, dancing.
-不是首尔的郊区 -不是
– Not the suburb of Seoul? – No.
我并不了解那个郊区江南
I’m not familiar with Gangnam, the suburb.
它的字面意思是指汉江的南边
It literally means south of the Han River.
早从旧石器时代起 那里就有人居住
It was inhabited as early as the Paleolithic period.
突然之间感觉没那么琅琅上口了
Suddenly seems so much less catchy.
现在给你们两位小情人放点歌♥
Now something for you lovers out there.
我们来一点勃起时刻
We are entering the erection section.
见鬼 别他们在洗礼仪式上说勃起时刻
Don’t say fucking erection at a christening.
你想透透气吗
Would you like to get some air?
我是说 比这里更透气
I mean, some more air.
好啊
Sure.
-我猜你不会正好有烟吧 -没有
– I don’t suppose you happen to have a cigarette? – No.
我1♥8♥9♥1天前戒烟了
I gave up 1♥8♥9♥1 days ago.
反正也没人数着
Not that people’re counting.
-你什么时候开始抽烟了 -我不抽
– Since when did you smoke? – I don’t.
是最近比较焦虑
It’s been a tense time.
也许是我紧张了
Maybe I’m nervous.
为什么
Why?
你的头发里有列火车
You have a train in your hair.
我知道
I’m aware of that.
是我众多教子教女中的一位干的好事
Courtesy of one of my many godchildren.
看起来卡住了
Seems to be stuck.
而这个是…
And this would be…
-蛋糕吗 -巧克力泡芙
– Cake? – Profiterole.
我想这严格来说更算是甜点 而不是蛋糕
That’s technically more of a dessert than cake, I suppose.
-你在干什么 你有妻子 -不 我没有
– What’re you doing? You’re married. – No, I’m not.
我正在办理离婚
I mean, I’m getting a divorce.
所以她没有来这里
That’s why she’s not here.
那你们为什么一起去了追悼会
Why were you together at the memorial?
她当时只是想表达支持
She was just being supportive.
她回海牙去了
She’s gone back to The Hague,
她现在住在那里 而我不会去
where she’s now living, and I’m not.
我很遗憾 马克
Oh, I’m so sorry, Mark.
在此时此刻 我一点都不遗憾
At this precise moment I’m not sorry at all.
这衣服我他妈要怎么才能解开
How the fuck am I supposed to get in here?
又要来吗
Again?
达西先生 可以啊
Mr. Darcy, wow.
布丽姬特
Bridget?
天哪 我一直好想你
God, I’ve missed you.
我们在赶时间吗
Are we on schedule?
我明天要坐飞机去喀土穆
I have a flight to Khartoum tomorrow.
我很抱歉 马克 我必须离开
I’m so sorry, Mark. Had to leave.
也许这听起来很可悲 但我害怕了
It probably sounds pathetic, but I got scared.
我们最美好的十年之中
The fact that we went ’round and ’round
大部分时间都在兜兜转转
for the best part of ten years…
却从来没有成功
without ever making it
冲过终点线 这一事实让我觉得
across the finish line leads me to think…
我们之前的分手已是最好的结局
we did the best thing by ending it when we did.
我43岁还孤身一人 有时候这感觉挺可怕
Sometimes it feels scary still being on my own at 43.
但你和我曾经走过这一步
But you and I have been here once before.
马克·达西
我们总是喜欢编织在一起的幻想
We always loved the fantasy of us…
但我们都明白 现实与幻想完全不同
But the reality, as we both know, is quite different.
我们都能想出
We could both come up with
一百个我们没能修成正果的理由
100 reasons why we didn’t make it…
但最终我总觉得
but in the end I always felt
你从来都不在身边 我总是孤身一人
that you were never there and I was mostly alone.
不 不能回头再犯同样的错误
No, can’t go back and keep making same mistakes.
必须继续前进 犯新的错误
Must keep moving forward and make new ones.
我将让自己陷入疯狂的健身计划中
And will lodge myself into frenzied keep fit regimes.
给自己四周时间 减小大腿的腿围
And allowing 4 weeks to reduce thighs circumference…
把大屁♥股♥挤进少女紧身牛仔裤
in order to squeeze largy ass into teenage skinny jeans…
显然那些不是为大龄女性准备的
Obviously not meant for women of a certain age.
这些该死的骑车根本没有用 我的体重在增加
All this bloody cycling is pointless. I’m putting on weight.
我们来排除一些其它的可能 好吗
Let’s rule out some of the other options, shall we?
你不是怀孕了吧
You’re not pregnant, are you?
当然没有
Of course not.
女士总是做好准备 我包里一直带着这个
A lady is always prepared and I always carry these in my handbag.
天哪 你不会用了那些素食主义安全套吧
Oh, God! You didn’t use those, the vegan condoms?
可生物降解 对海豚友好
Biodegradable and dolphin friendly.
如果我要做一个淫♥荡♥的人
If I’m going to be slutty,
想到我同时也在保护环境 感觉还不错
it’s nice to think I’m helping the environment.
天哪 布丽姬特 我还记得你是什么时候买♥♥的
Christ, Bridget. I remember when you bought those.
那是几十年前了
That was… That was decades ago.
保质期根本不能代表什么
Sell by dates don’t mean anything.
不是吗
Do they?
验孕棒
这些是别人送的礼物 不要问