单身日记：好孕来袭

Gangbangs? Ooh, we’d like to do that.
我知道贝里克街后面有一家很棒的夜店
I know a smashing little club in the back of Berwick Street.
成功固然好 可惜机会少
Chance would be a fine thing.
我开始觉得我已经过了性♥爱♥的保质期
I’m beginning to think I’m past my sexual sell by date.
才不是 你现在的阶段有特定的名称 小布
No. There are names for women like you now, Bridge.
虎狼熟♥女♥ 性感辣妈
You’re a cougar. You are a MILF.
我才不是性感辣妈 我都没当妈
I’m not a MILF, I’m not even a mum.
我是个老姑娘 性感老姑娘
I am a spinster, I’m a SPILF.
还有3分钟开始直播
Three minutes ’till we’re on air.
那家店叫”偷♥窥♥狂”
It’s called Voyeurz with a ‘z’.
你告诉他们是凯茜介绍你去的
You tell them that Cathy sent you.
如果周四去 还有中餐自助
If you go on a Thursday there’s a Chinese buffet.
想吃什么都随意
All you can eat, as it were.
然而这伙人的建议
But whose advice was, never the less,
有时对我而言太新潮了
sometimes a tad too modern for me.
-是我 检查耳返 -好的
– It’s me, checking talk-back. – Yep.
你没有去冷冻卵子吧
You didn’t freeze your eggs by any chance, did you?
没有 我估计它们现在都老得用不了了
No, I imagine they’re hard boiled by now.
这样吧 小布 这周末
You know what, Bridge? This weekend…
你和我一起出去 寻求非常…
you and me need to go out, and get stuck into some serious…
“酗酒 社会中的隐患”
“Binge drinking, a dangerous scourge on society.”
需要新的立法吗
Is new legislation needed?
布丽姬特 米兰达 我说过了 别在播报间隙聊天
Bridget, Miranda, I’ve told you, don’t talk between the bongs.
专注于提词卡上的问题
Stick to the questions on the cue cards.
米兰达 开始
Miranda. Cue.
外交大臣将来到直播间
The Foreign Secretary will be live in the studio…
讨论穆里彭迪迫在眉睫的危机
to talk about the looming crisis in Muribundi.
你一直都可以再试试网恋啊
You can always try online dating again.
我有天晚上用约炮软件
The other night I was on Tinder.
半小时后我就开始了3P…
Half an hour later I’m having a 3-way with…
-米兰达 开始 -安德鲁王子
– Miranda, cue! – Prince Andrew,
贸易与投资的皇家特别代表
the Royal Special Representative for Trade and Investment…
他是故意的
He did that on purpose.
刚完成了他的首本儿童读物
…has just written his first children’s book.
他的鸡♥巴♥可不小呢
He had a massive cock.
接下来直播间里
Live in the studio
将请来外交大臣乔治·威尔金斯
I’m joined by Foreign Secretary George Wilkins…
他刚从战争肆虐的穆里彭迪回来
who has just returned from war ravaged Muribundi…
米兰达 我连接了你的耳返 听我的提示
Miranda, I’m in your ear. Just follow my lead.
对于残暴独♥裁♥者查尔斯·恩吉的刺杀
… Where the assassination of bloody dictator Charles NGochi…
-引起了当地的内战 -一次成功
– has resulted in civil war. – One take,
汤姆来电
-切到镜头四 -镜头四
– come back to four. – Four.
大臣先生 这是一场军事政♥变♥吗
Minister, was this a military coup?
有迹象表明
Well, the signs are that
是恩吉手下的将军们刺杀了他
NGochi’s own generals did take him out…
喂 汤姆 我不方便讲话
Hi, Tom. I can’t talk.
-丹尼尔的追悼会怎么样 -令人惋惜
– How was Daniel’s memorial? – It was just sad.
我都不敢相信他离世了
I can’t believe he’s gone, actually.
令人伤心 我都不敢相信他离世了
It’s sad. I can’t believe he’s gone, actually.
我觉得他的离世没有什么可惋惜的
I don’t think there was any particular sadness in his passing.
他对于班图人♥民♥的迫♥害♥造成了种族屠♥杀♥
His persecution of the Ubuntu people amounted to genocide.
-这些都记录在案 -我知道他非完人
– And that is well documented. – I know he had his flaws.
-我知道他非完人 -他有时就是个大混♥蛋♥
– Well, I know he had his flaws. – He could be a massive asshole.
他有时就是个大混♥蛋♥
He could be a massive asshole.
-但我怀念他 我们都是 -但我怀念他 我们都是
– But I miss him. We all do. – But I miss him. We all do.
他当然在世界舞台上
Well, he was certainly a very
写下了浓墨重彩的一笔 米兰达
colorful character on the world stage, Miranda…
我认同这一点 但我觉得这场种族屠♥杀♥
I grant you that, but I think the genocide…
造成了他自己的人♥民♥超过万人的死亡数量
resulting in the deaths of over 10,000 of his own people,
包括男人 女人和儿童
men, women and children…
或许还是该将他定义成历史罪人才对
probably rather put him on the wrong side of history.
至少他从不会无趣
At least he was never boring.
至少他从不会无趣
Well, at least he was never boring.
一 二 三 结束
One, two, three clear.
你认为民♥主♥思想
Do you think a spirit of democracy
能进入西非吗
can carry over into West Africa…
毕竟恩吉已经死了
Now that’s NGochi’s dead?
大臣先生 你认为
Do you think, minister,
民♥主♥思想能进入西非吗
that the spirit of democracy can carry over into West Africa
毕竟恩吉已经死了
now that NGochi is dead?
终于问到了点子上
Well now, that is an interesting question. Finally.
-快没时间了 -米兰达 准备结束语
– We’re running out of time. – Miranda, wrap it up.
-简短回答就好 大臣先生 -这个问题很复杂
– Briefly, please, Minister. – Well it is a complicated issue.
“是”或”不是”
A ‘yes’ or a ‘no’.
-米兰达 结束前问出答案 -让我们希望如此吧
– Miranda, make it the last answer. – Let’s hope so.
这个回答还算可以 多谢你今天来到现场
I’ll take that. Thank you for joining us on the sofa today.
镜头回到演播室 托比
Over to you, Toby.
多谢你们了 米兰达 布丽姬特
Thank you, Miranda, Bridget.
新的管理层在场
You couldn’t just behave yourselves
你们就不能管住自己吗
when the new management team were here?
他们是新的管理层啊
They’re the new management team?
那位是新任品牌经理爱丽丝·皮博迪
That is Alice Peabody, new brand manager.
显然《时事新闻》太过时 太严肃了
Apparently ‘Hard News’ is too old fashioned, too serious…
而她是个笑面虎
and she is the smiling assassin,
被请来炒掉任何比她年纪大的人
brought in to sack anybody older than her.
所有人年纪都比她大
Everybody’s older than her.
我橱柜里都有一罐速食汤比她年纪大
I’ve got tins of soup in my cupboard older than her.
看看他们那群人 带着应用程序还有搞笑的胡子
Look at them all. With their apps and their ironic beards
或许他们当中有人可以和布丽姬特做个爱
Maybe one of them could get Bridget some sex.
-什么 -布丽姬特 你需要性♥爱♥吗
– What? – Bridget? Do you need sex?
-不 -是的
– No. – Yes.
所以我要带她去享受一个女士周末
That’s why I’m taking her on an a girls weekend
绝对超越一切女士周末
to beat all girls weekends.
你叫布丽姬特 对不对
Bridget, isn’t it?
-是的 很高兴认… -明早开组会
– Yes, nice to… – Team meeting tomorrow morning.
到时候再做自我介绍
We can do introductions then.
早上9点
Nine a.m.
从今往后我们应该都提前一个小时上班
We should all start an hour earlier from now on.
-你觉得她看到了吗 -很有可能没有
– Do you think she saw that? – Quite possibly not.
你确定不跟我和我的那群朋友出去玩吗
And you’re sure you don’t want to come out with me and my crew?
多谢邀请 但不能抛弃老朋友们
Thanks, but can’t let the old gang down.
她们现在是全职妈妈 不能出来玩会很失望的
They’re stay at home moms now. They’d be disappointed.
沙泽
对不起 布丽姬特
保姆临时有事
汤姆
姐妹躁起来
同性恋拯救全世界
Thank God for the gays.
无论你们今天带着什么样的恐惧走进这个房♥间
Now, whatever fears you’re bringing in the room with you today…
我想让你们直面这些恐惧
I want you take those fears
叫它们赶紧滚蛋
and I want you to tell them to fuck the fuck off.
-大家准备好了吗 -准备好了
– Are you ready for this? – Yes.
那就开始吧 性感的小婊♥子♥们 动起来
Then ride, you sexy bitches! Ride!
听我说 不好意思 布丽姬特
Look, I’m so sorry, Bridget,
但我得放你鸽子 先走一步了
but I’m actually going to have to blow you out too.
我不想今天告诉你这事
I didn’t want to have to tell you this today,
但我和爱德华多准备领养
but Eduardo and I are adopting.
领养
Adopting?
-领养什么 孩子吗 -没错 孩子
– What, a baby? – Yes, a baby.
或者叫”同”孩 考虑我俩的情况
Or gayby, in our case.
汤姆 这真是个好消息
That’s fantastic news, Tom.
我明天要去波哥大
I’m going to Bogota tomorrow
开始领养程序 所以我现在得回家收拾行李了
to start the paperwork so I’ve got to go and pack.
太棒了 去吧
Wonderful, go.
-去吧 -生日快乐
-Go. – Happy Birthday.
玩得开心
Have fun.
-恭喜你 -谢谢亲爱的
– Congratulations. – Thank’s darl.
太他妈的”棒”了
Fucking excellent.
于是我又回到了这里
And that was how I wound up back here again.
伦敦最后一位剩女
The last barren husk in London…
和我的两位今生挚爱
and of the two loves of my life,
一位已婚 而另一位已逝
one is married and the other is dead.
对了 新的生日决心